Concerning my title, if interested, we can have a long talk about the importance of a moderate viewpoint and if moderation is a fantasy?
So tonight, I was in the kitchen (brief recap: two nights ago I found out my roommate from Cape Town was gay) and a powerful realization/emotion him, I felt for him, what is must feel like to be confused and unsure how to be when ur family and the religion of ur family and ur religion discludes your sexuality. And then I felt weird because I felt seperate from him and his struggle, that is not my struggle, I forgot what that feels like or if i even ever felt that (in my case religion should be replaced with Parent's beliefs). Then I thought about how I concentrate on African-American struggles and identify with that, and how there is no gay struggle or if there is it's not a shared experience or one that i am not privy too.
Jason, my roommate talked to me one of the first nights, it was late night drunk talk and he was talking about his feelings on relationships and he kept on saying whether it be with a male or female, and I thought he was being political correct lol (feministing around, also might have been his way of telling me he was confused) and then throughout the semester I was upset by him because I felt he was lying. And one night on the mid-semester trip I had a conversation with him about his sexuality (not about him being gay but it seemed to me that he was suppressing his sexuality, i thought he needed to not be so repressed, but it never crossed my mind that he was gay lol). and then on one of the last nights before we left we went to the monument and I felt moved by something to tell him that i felt he seemed that he was on a different boat from everyone (that he seemed disconnected and prohibited himself from human connection).
1. These are classic signs of someone being gay, but it's like I erased that possibility from my mind. Why did I do this? I kept on saying when people said he was gay, I said I would know, I still feel that he is not gay, the feeling isn't or still isn't there for me (but then I realized I also told him at the mid-point in the semester that I never met anyone who was so confident in their gender) Maybe I don't understand his gayness or didn't want to see it because I feel that my own gayness is intertwined so much with my gender (being gay includes my "gay" gender roles), but I say Jason as the guy who was straight but had every gay characteristic. I mean he would go to gay bars and put on a tank top but i thought he did that because he was fucked up and thrived off the attention.
2. I feel super disconnected with gay men, i lost my one gay best friend and the other ones at fordham I sexualized them and did not make friends with them.
3. In South Africa though I got empowered about the seperateness of my gender from my sexuality and the fact that I am not defined by my gayness.
4. But being back home, I feel that I am back where I started with my sexuality stuff.
5. But writing all this down reminds me of what I have learned, I move forward. In summary, I feel for Jason (I think I understand what that feel like), and now i get why i wanted him to be straight (it reminded me that life isn't study abroad growth, but what I learned about myself is true, that i am not defined by my gayness, but that I am human... that is actually how my monolouge for this theater thing i did, i will tell you about that).
Love,
Stuart
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
Into the veld
Yesterday my mood ring was a filthy pukish greeny brown color. I was wallowing in self-pity and alienation.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning feeling relatively energized but damn that jet leg. I finally had my realization about what I learned in South Africa. All semester I was trying to figure out what had changed or was changing about me. I did sense I was less anxious and slightly more confident but that is slightly boring and not that dramatic to say to people.
Let's break it down.
1. Junior year of high school until let's say Fresh Air Fund (post-Freshman year of college) I was going through a rough phase (super stuck, negative, depressed, anxious, acne, pooping issues)
2. After fresh air fund, breaking up with my high school friends and Chuck, I lost some anxiety and was better able to deal with some shit. Throughout sophomore year really started working on not being anxious, being more confident, and trying to do me and have fun.
3. South Africa, I finally had that care-free college experience that I was not capable of having Freshman year, it was fun. By care-free I mean not fear based and I was doing what I wanted to do more of the time and not giving such a fuck.
4. I feel renewed, I feel like my world is new. The newness is not like the newness of something I haven't seen before, the excitement of change, it's the newness of I haven't felt this way before or in a long time, I feel like I have entered a new phase.
I love you. Thanks for being my right-hand bitches through err thing,
Stuart
I woke up at 3:30 this morning feeling relatively energized but damn that jet leg. I finally had my realization about what I learned in South Africa. All semester I was trying to figure out what had changed or was changing about me. I did sense I was less anxious and slightly more confident but that is slightly boring and not that dramatic to say to people.
Let's break it down.
1. Junior year of high school until let's say Fresh Air Fund (post-Freshman year of college) I was going through a rough phase (super stuck, negative, depressed, anxious, acne, pooping issues)
2. After fresh air fund, breaking up with my high school friends and Chuck, I lost some anxiety and was better able to deal with some shit. Throughout sophomore year really started working on not being anxious, being more confident, and trying to do me and have fun.
3. South Africa, I finally had that care-free college experience that I was not capable of having Freshman year, it was fun. By care-free I mean not fear based and I was doing what I wanted to do more of the time and not giving such a fuck.
4. I feel renewed, I feel like my world is new. The newness is not like the newness of something I haven't seen before, the excitement of change, it's the newness of I haven't felt this way before or in a long time, I feel like I have entered a new phase.
I love you. Thanks for being my right-hand bitches through err thing,
Stuart
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
There is this German boy...
1. I can't stop listening to Kesha's "Die Young"
2. I have had most of Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday off (kids are off of school, no service!). I have done very little work, but I have been out and about. Two favorite things from my long weekend. 1. Climbed a mountain to watch the sunset and full moon, we were above the clouds, it was beautiful. A part of it, is that you have to get drunk. SO we got drunk and then hiked down the mountain in the dark, tons of fun, did a nature pee. Then I went to the National Gallery today and there was this really cool exhibit, that showed the artwork from Community Art Project, which provided a space and support for blacks and coloureds to produce art, much of it anti-apartheid (in the community I live in, isn't that weird?). My English professor was one of the people who were thanked on the chat card. She is this woman from India, who studied in Cambridge, we like here, she is so very sassy and crazy, she laughs at her own jokes about the English Language. She also makes us stand in a circle why she shows us pictures from books. She also likes to give me bad grades.
3. Stop hooking up with Duran, we were making out on the rugby field again last week, and i Realized I was just not into it and I was not going to be into it (i need a top who can fuck me hard, okay!, and I want to be passionate and I just don't feel passionately toward him) So I sat him down and we talked, I felt a little guilty, but you know what, yolo. One thing I have grown to learn, is that honesty is the way of respect and being nice, not being nice to people at the expense of the truth.
4. My colon health is great. I eat so well here, meaning I eat what I want and as much as I want. I still cant really drink alcohol that well, I get a tummy ache :(
5. I fucking hate my service site. I love going but I hate it. It's chaos, I felt tired, bored, useless, and upset. Last week, they brought the kids to the computer lab which is under lock and the kids haven't gone for two years and they were like show them what to do Stuart. And the server was down, so we had to sit in there for like two hours, with all the kids trying to get on the computers the whole time! Ahh it was such a mess. Its so bad!!! And then I feel guilty because the girl I work with is trying to change the damn world and getting backpacks from the states for the kids and setting up relationships for donations from schools in the Chicago suburbs, and I just don't know what to do! Hot mess, but I like the kids and I like my teachers, I just get exhausted, it's chaos there and it's hard to handle, and I don't really have a job but to hang out. And I just don't know how to view myself there or view what I am doing, and it's just a mess and a half.
6. I am wearing a baseball cap with the "PGA tour" logo on it.
Peace,
Stuart
It's October!
Guten tag,
How is everyone? It's another bleary-eyed Monday heere at Fordham. Today I had an econ quiz, which was exhausting, and another thingy due for film class. Also my other professor just emailed and said our midterm got moved up to this Friday. So on top of 2 presentations and 2 papers left to do and writing for a bunch of class blogs, midterm season is off with a bang. In my head. I think by Friday afternoon I'm going to resemble a rubber Gumby doll or a broken Slinky or some other antiquated toy that can be easily overstretched. That is, a Gumby doll lying on the floor, nursing a pumpkin beer followed by a container of margaritas in a jar. (Sarah's been alcohol shopping at University Grocery lately, which has brought mostly unclassy results. The margarita bottle is labeled "malt liquor product." Oy).
However I did have a nice weekend in Jersey. There was abundant apple-picking and eating and canoodling, and the sex has improved as of late. Plus it was a thrill to see some changing leaves and other cheesy autumnal things that I love. OH AND I WENT TO CRACKER BARREL FOR THE FIRST TIME AND IT WAS DELICIOUS. Right now I can't think of anything significant to feel anxious about in the Chrisabel department, so I'll report back next week with something, I am sure. We're planning a Christmas party at his house (I think I told you guys about this anyway). I have no idea what people eat at real Christmas dinners besides my birthday cake. I like the idea that, years later, he's the one with the Let's Have A Fancy-Dress Christmas Party idea instead of me.
Hm, hm. What else have I done besides sleeping and boozing? School is shaping up to be difficult and stressful as ever. I made it through seven solid hours of sleep last night and woke up early for my 8:30, but being me I fucked it all up again by passing out for three hours after dinner this evening and forgetting to call my mom.
I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge from downtown and up to Union Square in 45 minutes after my lady-doctor appointment last Friday, so at least I haven't slowed my urban hiking pace. If I'm not dead on Friday I want to do some more Brooklynsploring. Also there was this severely schizophrenic dude from the Bronx on the 4 that day who was threatening to stab everyone on the train, then changed his mind and decided anyone who got off at the same stop as him was gonna get slashed. I took my headphones off for a minute and realized everyone in car seemed to be kind of tensed up, since we weren't anywhere near one of the conductors or anything. When he finally left (I thought the stop would never come) not a person moved. It was the first time I've ever been nervous on the subway. Mostly because schizophrenics are the one type of subway cray that actually act on their stupid shit. I think I might not be able to stand living in NY after college. And by that I mean I would consider living in Hoboken.
Also my roommates have been irritating me lately, but it's basically about stupid things that would seem ridiculous to call them out on. They chew loudly and laugh and they talk. I wouldn't notice, probably, but I'm tired as shit and they're in the way of my sitting silently in bed, brooding. I really want my single back. I like having occasional funny conversation, but I have no idea how or why girls outline their entire decision making process aloud (I know, I do it too XD) or need to ask for other people's approval about their outfits or when they should go to dinner. I'm that person in this room who just leaves without telling anyone where they're going and whom, most of the time, the other two don't know is actually there until they slam the bathroom door or something. In essence, I'm just going to spend more time in the library rather than worry about my nebbishy refusal to talk to perfectly nice people.
okay, I've been rambling for an hour. Must go werk. Or something.
Love you all,
Isabel
How is everyone? It's another bleary-eyed Monday heere at Fordham. Today I had an econ quiz, which was exhausting, and another thingy due for film class. Also my other professor just emailed and said our midterm got moved up to this Friday. So on top of 2 presentations and 2 papers left to do and writing for a bunch of class blogs, midterm season is off with a bang. In my head. I think by Friday afternoon I'm going to resemble a rubber Gumby doll or a broken Slinky or some other antiquated toy that can be easily overstretched. That is, a Gumby doll lying on the floor, nursing a pumpkin beer followed by a container of margaritas in a jar. (Sarah's been alcohol shopping at University Grocery lately, which has brought mostly unclassy results. The margarita bottle is labeled "malt liquor product." Oy).
However I did have a nice weekend in Jersey. There was abundant apple-picking and eating and canoodling, and the sex has improved as of late. Plus it was a thrill to see some changing leaves and other cheesy autumnal things that I love. OH AND I WENT TO CRACKER BARREL FOR THE FIRST TIME AND IT WAS DELICIOUS. Right now I can't think of anything significant to feel anxious about in the Chrisabel department, so I'll report back next week with something, I am sure. We're planning a Christmas party at his house (I think I told you guys about this anyway). I have no idea what people eat at real Christmas dinners besides my birthday cake. I like the idea that, years later, he's the one with the Let's Have A Fancy-Dress Christmas Party idea instead of me.
Hm, hm. What else have I done besides sleeping and boozing? School is shaping up to be difficult and stressful as ever. I made it through seven solid hours of sleep last night and woke up early for my 8:30, but being me I fucked it all up again by passing out for three hours after dinner this evening and forgetting to call my mom.
I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge from downtown and up to Union Square in 45 minutes after my lady-doctor appointment last Friday, so at least I haven't slowed my urban hiking pace. If I'm not dead on Friday I want to do some more Brooklynsploring. Also there was this severely schizophrenic dude from the Bronx on the 4 that day who was threatening to stab everyone on the train, then changed his mind and decided anyone who got off at the same stop as him was gonna get slashed. I took my headphones off for a minute and realized everyone in car seemed to be kind of tensed up, since we weren't anywhere near one of the conductors or anything. When he finally left (I thought the stop would never come) not a person moved. It was the first time I've ever been nervous on the subway. Mostly because schizophrenics are the one type of subway cray that actually act on their stupid shit. I think I might not be able to stand living in NY after college. And by that I mean I would consider living in Hoboken.
Also my roommates have been irritating me lately, but it's basically about stupid things that would seem ridiculous to call them out on. They chew loudly and laugh and they talk. I wouldn't notice, probably, but I'm tired as shit and they're in the way of my sitting silently in bed, brooding. I really want my single back. I like having occasional funny conversation, but I have no idea how or why girls outline their entire decision making process aloud (I know, I do it too XD) or need to ask for other people's approval about their outfits or when they should go to dinner. I'm that person in this room who just leaves without telling anyone where they're going and whom, most of the time, the other two don't know is actually there until they slam the bathroom door or something. In essence, I'm just going to spend more time in the library rather than worry about my nebbishy refusal to talk to perfectly nice people.
okay, I've been rambling for an hour. Must go werk. Or something.
Love you all,
Isabel
Friday, September 21, 2012
WHY THE HELL am I awake
Hola blog,
I'm sorry to be such an absentee parent. However, I've been awake for 38 hours straight and my brain WILL NOT SHUT OFF. Tonight is the eve of my mother visiting, however, and I've a ton of shit to before my 11:30, and classical music just isn't rocking me to sleep. So here we are. Cue the timpani drumroll.
I went to Molly's to pick up some stuff I forgot and ended up talking to her for 2 hours tonight about being maladjusted, which was nice. We talked really loudly and she didn't laugh at any of my stupid jokes, more power to her. Except Molly is rather intimidatingly well-adjusted and is already doing psych research, whereas I'm quite proud I didn't spend all day in my ill-fitting leggings, participated repeatedly in every class, and ate something besides creme-filled cookies today. Apparently if I want to get any research done with a Fordham grant I have to apply by next week and I have no idea how to go about this, I have a vague idea about the Mexican government's corruption and Latin American inflation and all my professors are either retired/on sabbatical/have known them for three weeks and I have no idea how to draft some abstract shit, or even worse make a lasting connection with a random professor, by October 1st. Lots of frantic, unprepared emails to Dean Gould. I can't believe I actually have to think about the summer right now.
I forgot to call my dad yesterday for his birthday. Fuck, I need to find a time to do that tomorrow. As if I needed a reason to hide in a bathroom while my mom visits.
What else? My roommates have been good so far; I'm glad I have the loft, though, so I have the right balance of being a socially awkward loner and having someone to talk to at the end of the day. But they're currently the only friends I have, and while they're funny and we get along well, I miss you guys like an Overly Attached Polyamorous Girlfriend. Also my loft adjoins these obnoxious sporty girls who ruined my almost-nap with their grunting and country music. I hate athletes. Do any of your schools have them? Also why must it take them five minutes each to figure out how to swipe into the caf?
At some point in the next ten years I will get my shit together, but in the meantime I'd better go in for Round 2 of sleeping. Thanks, blog, for letting me get my insomniac worries and furies off my chest, I promise I'll be more cheerful/insightful/coherent in my next post.
Toodaloo, as my new bro-friend Mike says (to all of his bros, who of course are also named Mike)
I'm gonna go eat the chocolate bar I left within arm's reach
I'm sorry to be such an absentee parent. However, I've been awake for 38 hours straight and my brain WILL NOT SHUT OFF. Tonight is the eve of my mother visiting, however, and I've a ton of shit to before my 11:30, and classical music just isn't rocking me to sleep. So here we are. Cue the timpani drumroll.
I went to Molly's to pick up some stuff I forgot and ended up talking to her for 2 hours tonight about being maladjusted, which was nice. We talked really loudly and she didn't laugh at any of my stupid jokes, more power to her. Except Molly is rather intimidatingly well-adjusted and is already doing psych research, whereas I'm quite proud I didn't spend all day in my ill-fitting leggings, participated repeatedly in every class, and ate something besides creme-filled cookies today. Apparently if I want to get any research done with a Fordham grant I have to apply by next week and I have no idea how to go about this, I have a vague idea about the Mexican government's corruption and Latin American inflation and all my professors are either retired/on sabbatical/have known them for three weeks and I have no idea how to draft some abstract shit, or even worse make a lasting connection with a random professor, by October 1st. Lots of frantic, unprepared emails to Dean Gould. I can't believe I actually have to think about the summer right now.
I forgot to call my dad yesterday for his birthday. Fuck, I need to find a time to do that tomorrow. As if I needed a reason to hide in a bathroom while my mom visits.
What else? My roommates have been good so far; I'm glad I have the loft, though, so I have the right balance of being a socially awkward loner and having someone to talk to at the end of the day. But they're currently the only friends I have, and while they're funny and we get along well, I miss you guys like an Overly Attached Polyamorous Girlfriend. Also my loft adjoins these obnoxious sporty girls who ruined my almost-nap with their grunting and country music. I hate athletes. Do any of your schools have them? Also why must it take them five minutes each to figure out how to swipe into the caf?
At some point in the next ten years I will get my shit together, but in the meantime I'd better go in for Round 2 of sleeping. Thanks, blog, for letting me get my insomniac worries and furies off my chest, I promise I'll be more cheerful/insightful/coherent in my next post.
Toodaloo, as my new bro-friend Mike says (to all of his bros, who of course are also named Mike)
I'm gonna go eat the chocolate bar I left within arm's reach
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Hot African Mess
I tried to leave Justine a fucking comment like 5 times but the internet/blog spot kept fucking up. and then when i finally did send it, it had a spelling error.
WAHHHHH!!!!! I am in crying in somebody's bed, not eating my meal in the caf mood. But i am also super happy and ecstatic. Too many feelings!
I have so much to fucking write and it's 11 pm and I have been trying to write this stuff for the past three days and I have been failing at it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHH AHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHH
Okay here goes
Mid-semester trip: Went on trip around South Africa, ended up in Kruger National Park (something you guys have to do!). Saw a mother and father wild dog regurgitate their food and feed their pups, also saw an adorable tortoise crossing the road. But on this trip I had several firsts: Bungee Jumped, Went Skinny dipping in the iNdian ocean, and got high. I also masturbated in like 3 provinces of South Africa. The other highlight of the trip were the malls, people in South Africa be looking and acting all sorts of up. In Soweto (which is like the home of black consciousness and is the first black neighborhood I have ever seen who citizens are empowered and financially independent from whites), there was a mall and it was all black people but it was like the white malls at home, it made me think how stupid racism is (i am trying to figure out what that means, but i think it just means, like racism can be so easily disproved but the economic conditions prevent it from being disproved in the states).
Another highlight was just sitting in the bus and looking at the landscape (especially the rural communities in the Eastern Cape). South Africa, unlike the states, does not do the whole billboard thing and exits with fast food every 2 miles. I actually think one of the most beautiful things about South Africa is how easy the natural and built world blend with each other. The industry and modern stuff does not take away from the beauty but kind of enhances it.
By far my favorite moment was in Kruger. We had been in the car for hours, you can't get out of the car because the animals are just living and not in cages. We drove up to this monument that was on a rockish mountain/hill thing and me and this girl Sam hiked away from everybody else and sat on a rock. Below us lay the savanna and soon we couldn't hear anybody else and we could only hear the nature and it was so quiet and the savanna was so beautiful, i think it was one of the most beautiful landscapes I have ever seen. And it just makes the sky look so blue and the clouds to look like there is a heaven. I was thinking up there, this is where I want to get engaged. Surprisingly, i also experienced that quiet when I was bungee jumping (off the worlds highest bridge bungee nbd) after i jumped and i was hanging there waiting for the guy to come and get me. It was the most intense quiet, i felt super at peace (in a hippie voice, pass the bong).
We were at the airport for 7 hours and me, Shatevia, Shannon, and Jason (stalk them in my pics) sat around and talked about each other's best and worst qualities and I just felt true community for the first time on the trip. It was such a high!
Also very few colon troubles during trip but damn did I have some horrible gas!
I am still riding the high from the trip but a few feelings.
1. Went back to service today, and it was chaos, and I just gave up. It's so frustrating and I have no idea what I am doing there and I hate feeling like I am not doing anything and am a failure who is not going to amount to anything. But tonight, we had our weekly meeting and the program director talked about dealing with chaos and now I feel renewed and ready to go back.
2. Also at our meeting tonight a lot of people in my house were complaining about the trip and the tour guide especially. And they were being very insensitive and rude. And I just got up and walked out and when I came back I saw Caroline (fb stalk) crying about the meeting, so I go my backbone on and said my say and I am proud of myself for saying what I said but then i regressed to a ten year old and was awkward and self-conscious. But I cried in my bed for a bit, so I am feeling better.
3. A BOY! Duran, also fb stalk. Long story short, we met at sign language, we hung out as friends, texted him how was his break and he texted back among other things, "I missed you". We are hanging out tomm, I am thinking a SA fling or something more! He seems like a good guy! Funny thing though, when i met him, he came off as gender ambiguous, i couldn't figure out what he was at first. It was a dark car and I was sitting on his lap. (P.S. texting on a pre-paid phone is so much more exciting that a contract phone)
I miss you guys so much!
Love you all!
Justine great work on ur entries!
Isabel and RAE (you have really been slacking) get on it!
WAHHHHH!!!!! I am in crying in somebody's bed, not eating my meal in the caf mood. But i am also super happy and ecstatic. Too many feelings!
I have so much to fucking write and it's 11 pm and I have been trying to write this stuff for the past three days and I have been failing at it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHH AHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHH
Okay here goes
Mid-semester trip: Went on trip around South Africa, ended up in Kruger National Park (something you guys have to do!). Saw a mother and father wild dog regurgitate their food and feed their pups, also saw an adorable tortoise crossing the road. But on this trip I had several firsts: Bungee Jumped, Went Skinny dipping in the iNdian ocean, and got high. I also masturbated in like 3 provinces of South Africa. The other highlight of the trip were the malls, people in South Africa be looking and acting all sorts of up. In Soweto (which is like the home of black consciousness and is the first black neighborhood I have ever seen who citizens are empowered and financially independent from whites), there was a mall and it was all black people but it was like the white malls at home, it made me think how stupid racism is (i am trying to figure out what that means, but i think it just means, like racism can be so easily disproved but the economic conditions prevent it from being disproved in the states).
Another highlight was just sitting in the bus and looking at the landscape (especially the rural communities in the Eastern Cape). South Africa, unlike the states, does not do the whole billboard thing and exits with fast food every 2 miles. I actually think one of the most beautiful things about South Africa is how easy the natural and built world blend with each other. The industry and modern stuff does not take away from the beauty but kind of enhances it.
By far my favorite moment was in Kruger. We had been in the car for hours, you can't get out of the car because the animals are just living and not in cages. We drove up to this monument that was on a rockish mountain/hill thing and me and this girl Sam hiked away from everybody else and sat on a rock. Below us lay the savanna and soon we couldn't hear anybody else and we could only hear the nature and it was so quiet and the savanna was so beautiful, i think it was one of the most beautiful landscapes I have ever seen. And it just makes the sky look so blue and the clouds to look like there is a heaven. I was thinking up there, this is where I want to get engaged. Surprisingly, i also experienced that quiet when I was bungee jumping (off the worlds highest bridge bungee nbd) after i jumped and i was hanging there waiting for the guy to come and get me. It was the most intense quiet, i felt super at peace (in a hippie voice, pass the bong).
We were at the airport for 7 hours and me, Shatevia, Shannon, and Jason (stalk them in my pics) sat around and talked about each other's best and worst qualities and I just felt true community for the first time on the trip. It was such a high!
Also very few colon troubles during trip but damn did I have some horrible gas!
I am still riding the high from the trip but a few feelings.
1. Went back to service today, and it was chaos, and I just gave up. It's so frustrating and I have no idea what I am doing there and I hate feeling like I am not doing anything and am a failure who is not going to amount to anything. But tonight, we had our weekly meeting and the program director talked about dealing with chaos and now I feel renewed and ready to go back.
2. Also at our meeting tonight a lot of people in my house were complaining about the trip and the tour guide especially. And they were being very insensitive and rude. And I just got up and walked out and when I came back I saw Caroline (fb stalk) crying about the meeting, so I go my backbone on and said my say and I am proud of myself for saying what I said but then i regressed to a ten year old and was awkward and self-conscious. But I cried in my bed for a bit, so I am feeling better.
3. A BOY! Duran, also fb stalk. Long story short, we met at sign language, we hung out as friends, texted him how was his break and he texted back among other things, "I missed you". We are hanging out tomm, I am thinking a SA fling or something more! He seems like a good guy! Funny thing though, when i met him, he came off as gender ambiguous, i couldn't figure out what he was at first. It was a dark car and I was sitting on his lap. (P.S. texting on a pre-paid phone is so much more exciting that a contract phone)
I miss you guys so much!
Love you all!
Justine great work on ur entries!
Isabel and RAE (you have really been slacking) get on it!
Friday, August 10, 2012
Just trying to find meaning in the mountains
It's Friday and I am sitting in the library of UWC. I feel like a giant vacuum trying to suck up as much as I can (the much being South Africa).This is a good thing but I also feel slightly frantic/mad. I am hot pile of crazy.
In good news, Sophie (the girl who had to go home for surgery) came back today, I like her. All of us went to go pick her up the airport, it was cute. On one hand, I love the community I have with the people I live with but I also hate it. Like sometimes (feels like often, these past few days) I just want to be on my own, living with South Africans doing me own thing. But other times I am really grateful for everybody and I think it's good for me (learn to be in community, not be so agnsty) to be living with these people.
I love UWC. I made gay friends (lesbians and gayboys!) and I think one has a crush on me (we will see ;) i am going to ask him to hang out with me. We met at sign language class. Here, I have tried to go to as many clubs as possible. Why don't i do clubs at fordham? I took my term test for English and got a 55 percent (a d here). I talked to my tutor (professor in charge of my small group) She went to Cambridge and she had a lot of thoughts about my education thus far and how I can improve. She was helpful, all be it a little critical (but then again she's British).
Teaching is interesting. The days are super long (7 hours with no break!) But I do enjoy observing the classroom/school life and interacting with the teachers and kids. I feel like a total outsider though, but well I am. One of my favorite things to do is because I don't get a break, when the kids are screaming and the teacher is away, I step outside of the classroom. The classrooms face outside and everything is connected by outdoor walkways. My classroom is on the third floor. I go to the end of the outdoor hallway and look out at the township and look at the people living thier lives and the houses (they are so cool, they are houses with shack extensions attached usually and they are multicolored) and then the puppies waking around. Then I look at the mountains in the distance (I like that!).
Well that's all for now. How are you?
Love,
Stuart
P.S. Waiting for a boy to text me (Why Hasn't HE TExT ME?). Some things never change ;) well at least this one's straight
In good news, Sophie (the girl who had to go home for surgery) came back today, I like her. All of us went to go pick her up the airport, it was cute. On one hand, I love the community I have with the people I live with but I also hate it. Like sometimes (feels like often, these past few days) I just want to be on my own, living with South Africans doing me own thing. But other times I am really grateful for everybody and I think it's good for me (learn to be in community, not be so agnsty) to be living with these people.
I love UWC. I made gay friends (lesbians and gayboys!) and I think one has a crush on me (we will see ;) i am going to ask him to hang out with me. We met at sign language class. Here, I have tried to go to as many clubs as possible. Why don't i do clubs at fordham? I took my term test for English and got a 55 percent (a d here). I talked to my tutor (professor in charge of my small group) She went to Cambridge and she had a lot of thoughts about my education thus far and how I can improve. She was helpful, all be it a little critical (but then again she's British).
Teaching is interesting. The days are super long (7 hours with no break!) But I do enjoy observing the classroom/school life and interacting with the teachers and kids. I feel like a total outsider though, but well I am. One of my favorite things to do is because I don't get a break, when the kids are screaming and the teacher is away, I step outside of the classroom. The classrooms face outside and everything is connected by outdoor walkways. My classroom is on the third floor. I go to the end of the outdoor hallway and look out at the township and look at the people living thier lives and the houses (they are so cool, they are houses with shack extensions attached usually and they are multicolored) and then the puppies waking around. Then I look at the mountains in the distance (I like that!).
Well that's all for now. How are you?
Love,
Stuart
P.S. Waiting for a boy to text me (Why Hasn't HE TExT ME?). Some things never change ;) well at least this one's straight
Monday, July 30, 2012
Both buttnaked bangin' on the bathroom floor
I am fucking blogging. I was waiting to get to an amazing emotional peak to write but well one can’t move mountains.
1. I am working with a fourth grade class. The kids are black and speak xhosi as their first language. Most of their school instruction is in English. When I give instructions though, I have one of the students translate for me (the kids are at different levels of English fluency). Xhosi is an interesting language, there is a lot of clicks. The school I work at is working with little resources (like nothing, except pencils, papers, and school books and chalk, there is a large quantity of chalk.) The first week of work/service learning was rough, I was alone with the kids all day and I had no idea what to do (it was a shit show). But today the teacher gave me some structure and I really enjoyed the day. I especially enjoy hanging out with the kids and just talking. Hanging out with the kids makes me want to be a teacher.
2. I love UWC, the university I go to. It was a colored university (under the apartheid government) But now it’s about 50 percent black and 48 percent colored or Indian (I can’t really tell) and 2 percent assorted white. I made a friend, his name is Michael. He is colored and straight. I told him I was gay the first day we met. It was actually a funny story. His work study was at the computer lab in the library. I couldn’t get into the lab because my card wasn’t registered. So he took me to get it registered (he wasn’t feeling work) and then we talked for the rest of the shift. Then we went to the barn (school pub) and shared a Gatsby (a piece of bread, meat, and fries covered in a heavenly sauce). Speaking of food, it is so cheap here (like I went to dinner tonight, my burger at a nice restaurant was 3.50 in American dollars). But regards, I love UWC! It makes me feel stupid for not getting to know more of the commuters at Fordham more.
3. The house is good! The people are really great and I am enjoying getting to know them. The only thing is that I totally want to go neighborhood exploring in “bad” areas and go to colored and black bars and restaurants, and not everyone is into that. I love Long Street though, it’s the nightclub and bar area in Cape Town. We go there on the weekends, it is so much fun! There is so much culture shock, crazy, and energy. I be dancing my ass off!
4. The nature here is beautiful. I have a mountain I try to hike up everyday. My housemate Shannon and I actually hiked it barefoot last night (she’s from Portland, I call her Shannon Spirit).
5. Boys: I am so fucking on it but no hooks yet. I have been putting myself out there though. I’m getting closer!
I can’t really write about South Africa and its culture/problems/pros because I am still seeing it through an American lens/cynicism/issues but I really like the people I have met and am enjoying the experiences I am having.
I miss you all!
Roll Out,
Stu.lu (that’s South African for Stu.Lo)
P.S. Post-Long Street skyping seems to be best for me (the only time when the internet is not blocked up). I get back at 4 or 5 am (so bad) and I could skype you all at 10 pm or 11 your time on Saturday night/early Sunday morning my time. Anyone free this weekend?
Friday, July 27, 2012
blah blah fear and insecurities blah blah
Hi darlings,
Well, I was just about to think my mom had been less crazy than usual this summer but this week I realized she was just delayed.
If I were in a relationship like this with anyone else, even my dad, I'd have snapped my ties, changed my address, and run like hell. But you just can't do that to your own mother. Over and over again, I remind myself that this is an exception, that women who act like me in relationships like this end up dead, and that it really isn't as bad as my unfortunately-still-teenage ass sees it.
This week has been fairly busy--the deadline for my internship Fulbright is next Wednesday and there's still an itinerary to be planned and recommendations to get in order. My boss has been all stressful and I've got to go in Mon./Tues./Weds. next week. Full disclosure, I also really wanted to go to Jersey this weekend.
But I haven't been calling Mom much lately, in fact I've been really lazy about it. When she wanted me to come up in the middle of the week to care for our cat who won't stop licking all her fur off, I felt super trapped between getting my work done in NY and doing stuff for my family that also needed to get done, and which I felt like I owed her. I'm really tired tonight and there's been this massive downpour and lightning storm. Plus I don't get my check till tomorrow and I literally can't get to CT and back. Not that this would stop my mom from coming down here, which terrifies me.
So when I didn't come tonight, she called and was FURIOUS, like last-July furious, and kept talking about how far I pushed her, how I did not want to see how far she would take this, how she wanted me up there NOW--which meant getting to New Haven, not my fave place anymore, at 1 or 2am.
I'm exhausted, I'm scared, and as I tell myself every year, I am too old for this shit. Last time I had to deal with her arrest and both of us being humiliated and crying like a bitch for nearly a week straight. I came thisclose to stealing my dad's car because she wouldn't leave me alone otherwise, but I'd hidden my set of keys. I've been picked up by friends in the middle of the night, dropped off again, seen that nothing has changed, and walked across town at 2am to wait at my aunt's house until dawn, when she gets up, so I could call my dad, who even then isn't always willing to come down and get me. I've hidden in closets, run through parking lots and busy streets and woods with nothing in my pockets and not even my watch, done all manner of crazy, unbelievable, probably very immature shit to get away from these situations. I've been woken up by police officers late at night as my mom walks around my dad's house screaming at me to come out on school nights and gone to my guidance counselor's office the next morning saying I couldn't go to class because everything I have is at home and my mom won't let me in. Whenever I try talking to my dad, he lapses into saying insulting things about her--taking my frustrations and using them as examples to justify his own lowly view of her, which I hate just as much as I hate her manipulations. It's as if the only two other people who witness this shit are too caught up in self-serving vitriol to realize the damage they're doing to us as a family.
It's worse every year, and I can see the effects of these horrible Julys manifest in the next 11 months. My everyday relationship with mom gets weaker, more dishonest and pathetic: I will tell her almost anything if it will keep her temporarily happy. I don't even recognize our old, HS, Gilmore Girls-like relationship anymore. I can barely talk for weeks afterward, and little things that remind me of an incident fill me with terror, like a purse or clothing I remember wearing the day it happened. I don't even wear those clothes anymore--they make me so nervous I threw out or burned most of them.
The older I get, the more I realize I'm too old to rely on other family members, much less adult strangers, to do anything for me, which is a logical and reasonable chain of events. I thought this summer, in NY, I'd be a little safer, and that getting away would be my means of safeguarding myself. I never wanted to feel that ice-cold knot of fear creep over me again or feel dizzy and faint as I realize I have dug myself in too deep and there is nothing I can do now but watch my humiliation and hope that it's over soon. that I'm still such an immature little shit, and that as much as my mom has problems I could be helping more. And that I never, ever seem to learn. I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow, or this weekend--I'm going to go to work and maybe try to take the afternoon off to go in the city and disappear for a few hours and think. I told my roommates not to let my mom in if she comes down, but I don't want to think about how embarassed I'll be if she came to work or my place so angry. Still, if she cools it a bit, I'll probs go up there to check on the cats and actually do the things I'm responsible for this weekend. I just...I know that she keeps trying to manipulate me with these problems and disasters. I hardly know when something is an urgent responsibility she has to depend on me for, and when she just wants me to do something for her or buy her something. When she comes back up from this anger, the amount of relief--not happiness--that I feel makes me almost sick at myself, knowing that I used to be so much stronger. Many summers later, I've been worn down to a simpering mush, trying to do anything just to please people.
Well, I was just about to think my mom had been less crazy than usual this summer but this week I realized she was just delayed.
If I were in a relationship like this with anyone else, even my dad, I'd have snapped my ties, changed my address, and run like hell. But you just can't do that to your own mother. Over and over again, I remind myself that this is an exception, that women who act like me in relationships like this end up dead, and that it really isn't as bad as my unfortunately-still-teenage ass sees it.
This week has been fairly busy--the deadline for my internship Fulbright is next Wednesday and there's still an itinerary to be planned and recommendations to get in order. My boss has been all stressful and I've got to go in Mon./Tues./Weds. next week. Full disclosure, I also really wanted to go to Jersey this weekend.
But I haven't been calling Mom much lately, in fact I've been really lazy about it. When she wanted me to come up in the middle of the week to care for our cat who won't stop licking all her fur off, I felt super trapped between getting my work done in NY and doing stuff for my family that also needed to get done, and which I felt like I owed her. I'm really tired tonight and there's been this massive downpour and lightning storm. Plus I don't get my check till tomorrow and I literally can't get to CT and back. Not that this would stop my mom from coming down here, which terrifies me.
So when I didn't come tonight, she called and was FURIOUS, like last-July furious, and kept talking about how far I pushed her, how I did not want to see how far she would take this, how she wanted me up there NOW--which meant getting to New Haven, not my fave place anymore, at 1 or 2am.
I'm exhausted, I'm scared, and as I tell myself every year, I am too old for this shit. Last time I had to deal with her arrest and both of us being humiliated and crying like a bitch for nearly a week straight. I came thisclose to stealing my dad's car because she wouldn't leave me alone otherwise, but I'd hidden my set of keys. I've been picked up by friends in the middle of the night, dropped off again, seen that nothing has changed, and walked across town at 2am to wait at my aunt's house until dawn, when she gets up, so I could call my dad, who even then isn't always willing to come down and get me. I've hidden in closets, run through parking lots and busy streets and woods with nothing in my pockets and not even my watch, done all manner of crazy, unbelievable, probably very immature shit to get away from these situations. I've been woken up by police officers late at night as my mom walks around my dad's house screaming at me to come out on school nights and gone to my guidance counselor's office the next morning saying I couldn't go to class because everything I have is at home and my mom won't let me in. Whenever I try talking to my dad, he lapses into saying insulting things about her--taking my frustrations and using them as examples to justify his own lowly view of her, which I hate just as much as I hate her manipulations. It's as if the only two other people who witness this shit are too caught up in self-serving vitriol to realize the damage they're doing to us as a family.
It's worse every year, and I can see the effects of these horrible Julys manifest in the next 11 months. My everyday relationship with mom gets weaker, more dishonest and pathetic: I will tell her almost anything if it will keep her temporarily happy. I don't even recognize our old, HS, Gilmore Girls-like relationship anymore. I can barely talk for weeks afterward, and little things that remind me of an incident fill me with terror, like a purse or clothing I remember wearing the day it happened. I don't even wear those clothes anymore--they make me so nervous I threw out or burned most of them.
The older I get, the more I realize I'm too old to rely on other family members, much less adult strangers, to do anything for me, which is a logical and reasonable chain of events. I thought this summer, in NY, I'd be a little safer, and that getting away would be my means of safeguarding myself. I never wanted to feel that ice-cold knot of fear creep over me again or feel dizzy and faint as I realize I have dug myself in too deep and there is nothing I can do now but watch my humiliation and hope that it's over soon. that I'm still such an immature little shit, and that as much as my mom has problems I could be helping more. And that I never, ever seem to learn. I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow, or this weekend--I'm going to go to work and maybe try to take the afternoon off to go in the city and disappear for a few hours and think. I told my roommates not to let my mom in if she comes down, but I don't want to think about how embarassed I'll be if she came to work or my place so angry. Still, if she cools it a bit, I'll probs go up there to check on the cats and actually do the things I'm responsible for this weekend. I just...I know that she keeps trying to manipulate me with these problems and disasters. I hardly know when something is an urgent responsibility she has to depend on me for, and when she just wants me to do something for her or buy her something. When she comes back up from this anger, the amount of relief--not happiness--that I feel makes me almost sick at myself, knowing that I used to be so much stronger. Many summers later, I've been worn down to a simpering mush, trying to do anything just to please people.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Glamping in Jersey
Achingly returned to the hood this evening after a lovely but too-short weekend camping at Allaire State Park with Chris. I'm super tired because I woke up at 6:30 2 days in a row (I know, yes, compared to what you guys are used to this is hardly suffering. But whatever).
I haven't been camping in years and it was always with family, so lots of stress and eating Twinkies in a corner wondering why there were no streetlights on to read by. This, however, was sublime. I was initially worried about going on a road trip to be outdoorsy because if there are ever situations where I can start a fight with someone, they usually involve being responsible for directions and doing useful shit in nature.
Instead! I got the directions messed up only once and started a campfire faster than my eagle-scout boyfriend. We went to a flea market and bought vintage bone china for $2, a pair of teacups and matching plates.
But wait! It gets better.
WE GOT WAWA SANDWICHES FOR LUNCH.
Again, all of you probably know this already, but on Sat. I truly discovered the glory and godliness of Wawa food. It is so efficient and delicious; I was floored. And it was only the beginning of the culinary delights which NJ had in store.
We stopped at a Shop Rite for extra food soon thereafter. I also baked up a storm of lime shortbread cookies and granola, while he made the hot dogs and crab cakes (it's called glamping for a reason). Instead of dried fruit pieces I threw in white chocolate, pineapple Jelly Bellys, and gummi penguins, which look the same but taste so much better.
So as evening settled in around us, we set up our tent, cuddled for awhile as soon as that was done, then made dinner. Sat around the fire in our camp chairs, eating this beautiful meal, drinking good wine and Perrier out of the teacups, and watching families and hippies in the neighboring sites while making judgmental comments. We also discussed Aztec history, high school, and free trade (globalization could be much better if it weren't horribly maligned by free-trade-driven politicians).
It was wonderful. For a solid 18 hours or so, I didn't feel remotely anxious or sad. I had great sex with a guy who wants to make me happy. Even when the second half of my Wawa sandwich got soaked in the cooler and I couldn't savor it I still felt good.
The next morning when we woke up we went for breakfast at the Huck Finn Diner in Union (great name!) and talked about American history as we packed away bacon and French toast and coffee. Actually for some reason when I'm with Chris I can't seem to eat as much as I usually do so I didn't eat all my toast. I can't tell if this bad or good yet. I mean, I'm still plowing through a lot.
THEN!!!! He asked if I wanted to go for a swim at his house and then go hiking. Naturally, this was one of those days when you are so glad you decide to wear your Lilly Pulitzer sundress and nice J.Crew swimsuit, because AHA I MET HIS PARENTS AND HIS SIBLINGS. They seem really nice, especially his dad, who's very talkative and Chris seems to take after him mostly. His parents are also just this generally nice, high-functioning couple who cook together and all of their kids have nerdy but unusual talents and everyone has a crucifix in their room whether they like it or not. We talked about the best way to keep squirrels away from the tomatoes (I suggested chicken wire and netting; Chris advocated shooting them and making coonskin caps). Mostly I was just shy and polite and I feel like I made a good first impression, I think. They seemed to genuinely like the shortbread, or maybe after you have kids you're just good at complimenting decent efforts.We made some sandwiches and milk and watched Rushmore alone in the basement except for the odd brother running downstairs "for something," went hiking in the arboreteum, and read aloud from the Official Preppy Handbook. His neighborhood is beautiful and much nicer than the nicest parts of Hartford County--no uppity McMansions anywhere, just graceful 1920s-era Tudors/split-frame and stucco houses and stone gutters. Once I saw it I kind of understood why he likes it so much--and despite my first love of urbanity, Short Hills was pretty stellar.
Chris told me he loved me before he brought me to the train station (an absolutely fantastic transit system incidentally, so clean/quiet/everything). I said I loved him too, and I had this strange rushing sensation in my chest and my head that I think proved that I really, truly felt it.
We talked a lot about doing things in the months ahead; in the short-term, I'm coming down again next weekend for dinner. I just hope it's going to work and I can keep pushing aside my cynicism and just enjoy this day by day.
OK, must go to bed, getting weirder by the minute.
I haven't been camping in years and it was always with family, so lots of stress and eating Twinkies in a corner wondering why there were no streetlights on to read by. This, however, was sublime. I was initially worried about going on a road trip to be outdoorsy because if there are ever situations where I can start a fight with someone, they usually involve being responsible for directions and doing useful shit in nature.
Instead! I got the directions messed up only once and started a campfire faster than my eagle-scout boyfriend. We went to a flea market and bought vintage bone china for $2, a pair of teacups and matching plates.
But wait! It gets better.
WE GOT WAWA SANDWICHES FOR LUNCH.
Again, all of you probably know this already, but on Sat. I truly discovered the glory and godliness of Wawa food. It is so efficient and delicious; I was floored. And it was only the beginning of the culinary delights which NJ had in store.
We stopped at a Shop Rite for extra food soon thereafter. I also baked up a storm of lime shortbread cookies and granola, while he made the hot dogs and crab cakes (it's called glamping for a reason). Instead of dried fruit pieces I threw in white chocolate, pineapple Jelly Bellys, and gummi penguins, which look the same but taste so much better.
So as evening settled in around us, we set up our tent, cuddled for awhile as soon as that was done, then made dinner. Sat around the fire in our camp chairs, eating this beautiful meal, drinking good wine and Perrier out of the teacups, and watching families and hippies in the neighboring sites while making judgmental comments. We also discussed Aztec history, high school, and free trade (globalization could be much better if it weren't horribly maligned by free-trade-driven politicians).
It was wonderful. For a solid 18 hours or so, I didn't feel remotely anxious or sad. I had great sex with a guy who wants to make me happy. Even when the second half of my Wawa sandwich got soaked in the cooler and I couldn't savor it I still felt good.
The next morning when we woke up we went for breakfast at the Huck Finn Diner in Union (great name!) and talked about American history as we packed away bacon and French toast and coffee. Actually for some reason when I'm with Chris I can't seem to eat as much as I usually do so I didn't eat all my toast. I can't tell if this bad or good yet. I mean, I'm still plowing through a lot.
THEN!!!! He asked if I wanted to go for a swim at his house and then go hiking. Naturally, this was one of those days when you are so glad you decide to wear your Lilly Pulitzer sundress and nice J.Crew swimsuit, because AHA I MET HIS PARENTS AND HIS SIBLINGS. They seem really nice, especially his dad, who's very talkative and Chris seems to take after him mostly. His parents are also just this generally nice, high-functioning couple who cook together and all of their kids have nerdy but unusual talents and everyone has a crucifix in their room whether they like it or not. We talked about the best way to keep squirrels away from the tomatoes (I suggested chicken wire and netting; Chris advocated shooting them and making coonskin caps). Mostly I was just shy and polite and I feel like I made a good first impression, I think. They seemed to genuinely like the shortbread, or maybe after you have kids you're just good at complimenting decent efforts.We made some sandwiches and milk and watched Rushmore alone in the basement except for the odd brother running downstairs "for something," went hiking in the arboreteum, and read aloud from the Official Preppy Handbook. His neighborhood is beautiful and much nicer than the nicest parts of Hartford County--no uppity McMansions anywhere, just graceful 1920s-era Tudors/split-frame and stucco houses and stone gutters. Once I saw it I kind of understood why he likes it so much--and despite my first love of urbanity, Short Hills was pretty stellar.
Chris told me he loved me before he brought me to the train station (an absolutely fantastic transit system incidentally, so clean/quiet/everything). I said I loved him too, and I had this strange rushing sensation in my chest and my head that I think proved that I really, truly felt it.
We talked a lot about doing things in the months ahead; in the short-term, I'm coming down again next weekend for dinner. I just hope it's going to work and I can keep pushing aside my cynicism and just enjoy this day by day.
OK, must go to bed, getting weirder by the minute.
Monday, July 16, 2012
I Am Me
First and foremost, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUMK4Da9Avg
After watching the video, enjoy this less important summary.
So I am currently typing in the University of Western Cape library. It's cute but the whole library makes a horrible noise (like a bad air-conditioner). The campus is very nice, much bigger than Fordahm (well I think but I thought Fordham was big at first). The people are very nice here, they are kind of like southerners (they move slow and love to talk and be helpful, some lady in my class actually walked me to another building today).
So it has been a week since I moved into Kimberley 2. There are 16 girls and 2 boys. I live out back with Jason (an ex-Abercrombie model who was homeschooled his whole life and loves Jesus. He wants to work in Honduras with an orphanage. He's beautiful. I am dealing with this lol) The girls are great, there is a fellow Bronxite that I call Ta Ta and a girl named Shannon who I really like. Everybody in the house went out Friday and Saturday to Long Street (which is where a lot of the bars and clubs are in Cape Town) I danced on a stripper pole on Saturday night ;). We are all going to the gay clubs next weekend (I am trying to find me a SA coloured boyfriend). I came out to the group (in the case that they couldn't tell) when we were playing never have I ever. The question was "Never have I ever stuck my fingers up a guy's butt". We have a live-in south African RA from Johannesburg. I like here alot, she is very kind and she's very honest about the problems of her country.There is a girl named Sophie who was here for the first three days and we really connected. On the third day she had to go home because she found out that she has throat cancer and has to go home and get surgery. So that was kind of cra cra emotional but she's very positive and strong and she thinks she will be back in early August.
My service site starts next week, I am very excited to be teaching/working! But I have really been working on being in the moment and enjoying things and not worrying and trying to not feel pressure to be doing something (it's been going pretty well but #itsaprocess)
Thoughts on South Africa: I don't want to jump to any assumptions or saw anything unfounded lol but seriously the people are very nice but the apartheid has very much affected this place and its people.
Thoughts on US: The Native Americans have been upsetting me. It seems that we as a country have forgotten/forgiven/don't care that much/over it/accept what was done to the Native Americans. Our country is the way it is because we killed/moved/erased a people. And that truth is not truthfully displayed/remembered/apologized for in the American story/history or the mindset/consciousness of it's people.
Omg i am hungry. Speaking of food, I tried Ostrich (it was actually really good, we may need to get Ostrich burgers in the city next semester)
I miss you guys.
So what's going on?
P.S. Internet sucks here but skype phone/google phone my cell 0823118582 (i can't really call you on it because it is super expensive) But it would be free for you guys to call me on an internet phone.
Loves you!
After watching the video, enjoy this less important summary.
So I am currently typing in the University of Western Cape library. It's cute but the whole library makes a horrible noise (like a bad air-conditioner). The campus is very nice, much bigger than Fordahm (well I think but I thought Fordham was big at first). The people are very nice here, they are kind of like southerners (they move slow and love to talk and be helpful, some lady in my class actually walked me to another building today).
So it has been a week since I moved into Kimberley 2. There are 16 girls and 2 boys. I live out back with Jason (an ex-Abercrombie model who was homeschooled his whole life and loves Jesus. He wants to work in Honduras with an orphanage. He's beautiful. I am dealing with this lol) The girls are great, there is a fellow Bronxite that I call Ta Ta and a girl named Shannon who I really like. Everybody in the house went out Friday and Saturday to Long Street (which is where a lot of the bars and clubs are in Cape Town) I danced on a stripper pole on Saturday night ;). We are all going to the gay clubs next weekend (I am trying to find me a SA coloured boyfriend). I came out to the group (in the case that they couldn't tell) when we were playing never have I ever. The question was "Never have I ever stuck my fingers up a guy's butt". We have a live-in south African RA from Johannesburg. I like here alot, she is very kind and she's very honest about the problems of her country.There is a girl named Sophie who was here for the first three days and we really connected. On the third day she had to go home because she found out that she has throat cancer and has to go home and get surgery. So that was kind of cra cra emotional but she's very positive and strong and she thinks she will be back in early August.
My service site starts next week, I am very excited to be teaching/working! But I have really been working on being in the moment and enjoying things and not worrying and trying to not feel pressure to be doing something (it's been going pretty well but #itsaprocess)
Thoughts on South Africa: I don't want to jump to any assumptions or saw anything unfounded lol but seriously the people are very nice but the apartheid has very much affected this place and its people.
Thoughts on US: The Native Americans have been upsetting me. It seems that we as a country have forgotten/forgiven/don't care that much/over it/accept what was done to the Native Americans. Our country is the way it is because we killed/moved/erased a people. And that truth is not truthfully displayed/remembered/apologized for in the American story/history or the mindset/consciousness of it's people.
Omg i am hungry. Speaking of food, I tried Ostrich (it was actually really good, we may need to get Ostrich burgers in the city next semester)
I miss you guys.
So what's going on?
P.S. Internet sucks here but skype phone/google phone my cell 0823118582 (i can't really call you on it because it is super expensive) But it would be free for you guys to call me on an internet phone.
Loves you!
Sunday, June 24, 2012
White Castle Breakfast
I'm not sure how to really follow up after Justine and Stuart's more serious posts, but um, I'm having another 24-hour emotional flood between my usual drought of feelings.
So Justine has already heard the first part of this story on the phone, but I'll go on anyways, there will be much less incomprehensible giggling this time:
So Chris and I had a great time on Saturday--we walked around Chelsea, got Thai food at the sidewalk place we went to last year (it has a great new redesign BTW, monochrome armchairs and pink walls with baroque chandeliers, and pride flags for the parade!), then went to Brooklyn Heights. We wandered around, found the riverside park, and sat there and chatted for 2 hours. It was one of those rare times when talking doesn't make me feel forced and uncomfortable and exhausted. He also makes lists of people he dreams of having at dinner parties.
Afterwards, we went to the Brooklyn Heights Cinema, which has great velvet seats, to see Moonrise Kingdom. I think it's tied with the Royal Tenenbaums as Wes Anderson's best movie and in the flood scene I was like "Where's George Clooney with the rolltop desk?" and he got the O Brother Where Art Thou? reference. We got ingredients for peach tea and cookies at a nice supermarket (he paid), took the Staten Island Ferry to cool off, and went back to the apartment. He complained about mass transit which was a downside, and I would have argued back but I didn't have any coffee yesterday.
Here's where it gets less innocent.
We made a giant cookie pie and peach tea with Snapple and Pellegrino. Then we threw in some Long Island iced tea (fyi, I learned it contains rum, vodka, and gin!) So after I got everything cooked I knocked back 2ish shots in my tea and followed with a Heineken, and we settled in at the table to watch Archer. Amazingly I didn't hurl. Oh, and while shitfaced we read William Safire's speech about the 1969 moon launch and talked about American history.
Then Alen and Drue walked in, which was SUPER awkward, no other word to describe it, and Alen plopped down on the couch to assert his territory or something. So we shuffled off to bed shortly thereafter.
After 5 hours of passing in and out of sleep, Chris rolls over as the sun is coming up and says something about how we keep inching closer to each other and what our relationship really is and we ended up cuddling for awhile.
Then I don't know who kissed who first, but we ended up making out and um stuff but not a home run. Then we got White Castle for a hangover breakfast, saw Marisa and Liam (they looked angry) and returned home to make out and um stuff some more. Which was incidentally very good. I was extremely surprised.
Then I walked him up to the D train and we made out at the station before I sent him off. So that was a BIG MTA and life goal accomplished. #margottenenbaum
Later this afternoon I emailed him because I started to feel weird after we'd kind of left our relationship status pretty ambiguous. I said I liked him a lot and wanted to know how he felt or something to that effect. He just emailed me back and said he also really liked me and even though we're both working a lot and are really far apart dating would be worth a try.
So, um, basically for the whole weekend I've been painfully and wonderfully aware of how I'm partly thinking like a really stupid teen girl, thinking about how he must be different, a bit, how even though he still seems immature his creative projects always make me crack up, and partly thinking about how I genuinely have never felt so excited to date a boy in my life, how easy it is to joke about little things with him, how--finally--it felt like the most balanced relationship I've had the potential to become involved yet. I never feel like I have to hide my nerdy urban studies factoids or pretend to like his music as I've done before. We argue and talk and unlike with Alex I never shy from snapping back at something he says (probably I did today but I haven't slept so I just nod along with almost anything). I'm trying not to go over another judgement-blinding, dizzying emotional waterfall as I did in freshman year, but I'm still trying to give it a modicum of hope.
I just don't know. I'm 19, not 30, and I think I can allow myself to hurtle into a relationship with someone I might just be able to love. Strong feelings are not really my strong suit, at least when it comes to relationships, but I really hope this is the time when I can finally let some of them out.
(OK I can't tell if I sound really dispassionate or really dopey sappy lovesick, but the point is I'm trying to tread the fine line in the middle).
So Justine has already heard the first part of this story on the phone, but I'll go on anyways, there will be much less incomprehensible giggling this time:
So Chris and I had a great time on Saturday--we walked around Chelsea, got Thai food at the sidewalk place we went to last year (it has a great new redesign BTW, monochrome armchairs and pink walls with baroque chandeliers, and pride flags for the parade!), then went to Brooklyn Heights. We wandered around, found the riverside park, and sat there and chatted for 2 hours. It was one of those rare times when talking doesn't make me feel forced and uncomfortable and exhausted. He also makes lists of people he dreams of having at dinner parties.
Afterwards, we went to the Brooklyn Heights Cinema, which has great velvet seats, to see Moonrise Kingdom. I think it's tied with the Royal Tenenbaums as Wes Anderson's best movie and in the flood scene I was like "Where's George Clooney with the rolltop desk?" and he got the O Brother Where Art Thou? reference. We got ingredients for peach tea and cookies at a nice supermarket (he paid), took the Staten Island Ferry to cool off, and went back to the apartment. He complained about mass transit which was a downside, and I would have argued back but I didn't have any coffee yesterday.
Here's where it gets less innocent.
We made a giant cookie pie and peach tea with Snapple and Pellegrino. Then we threw in some Long Island iced tea (fyi, I learned it contains rum, vodka, and gin!) So after I got everything cooked I knocked back 2ish shots in my tea and followed with a Heineken, and we settled in at the table to watch Archer. Amazingly I didn't hurl. Oh, and while shitfaced we read William Safire's speech about the 1969 moon launch and talked about American history.
Then Alen and Drue walked in, which was SUPER awkward, no other word to describe it, and Alen plopped down on the couch to assert his territory or something. So we shuffled off to bed shortly thereafter.
After 5 hours of passing in and out of sleep, Chris rolls over as the sun is coming up and says something about how we keep inching closer to each other and what our relationship really is and we ended up cuddling for awhile.
Then I don't know who kissed who first, but we ended up making out and um stuff but not a home run. Then we got White Castle for a hangover breakfast, saw Marisa and Liam (they looked angry) and returned home to make out and um stuff some more. Which was incidentally very good. I was extremely surprised.
Then I walked him up to the D train and we made out at the station before I sent him off. So that was a BIG MTA and life goal accomplished. #margottenenbaum
Later this afternoon I emailed him because I started to feel weird after we'd kind of left our relationship status pretty ambiguous. I said I liked him a lot and wanted to know how he felt or something to that effect. He just emailed me back and said he also really liked me and even though we're both working a lot and are really far apart dating would be worth a try.
So, um, basically for the whole weekend I've been painfully and wonderfully aware of how I'm partly thinking like a really stupid teen girl, thinking about how he must be different, a bit, how even though he still seems immature his creative projects always make me crack up, and partly thinking about how I genuinely have never felt so excited to date a boy in my life, how easy it is to joke about little things with him, how--finally--it felt like the most balanced relationship I've had the potential to become involved yet. I never feel like I have to hide my nerdy urban studies factoids or pretend to like his music as I've done before. We argue and talk and unlike with Alex I never shy from snapping back at something he says (probably I did today but I haven't slept so I just nod along with almost anything). I'm trying not to go over another judgement-blinding, dizzying emotional waterfall as I did in freshman year, but I'm still trying to give it a modicum of hope.
I just don't know. I'm 19, not 30, and I think I can allow myself to hurtle into a relationship with someone I might just be able to love. Strong feelings are not really my strong suit, at least when it comes to relationships, but I really hope this is the time when I can finally let some of them out.
(OK I can't tell if I sound really dispassionate or really dopey sappy lovesick, but the point is I'm trying to tread the fine line in the middle).
Saturday, June 23, 2012
In a Mcdonald's in inverness
About an hour to teatime (dinner here but takes many hours, we eat slowly and there is the art of convo).
Scotland is beautiful! My sister and I have spent the afternoon in Inverness while alf and Helen prepare for teatime (it's gointo be big, there kids and grandchildren are going to be there. Lots of Whiskey!) we went to Claudine, a battle site, alf and Helen are like isabels, extremely knowledgeable about scotland and mackintosh clan stuff (lots of maps and tartens) they are also very proud of their culture and clan. They are also a very happy couple who do everthintogether like cook and go to the baths (pool) and sit in the sunroom and talk about the birds that are outside their window. The Mackintosh seem to function well and happily.
Traveling was pretty good, had little poop breakdown at gatwick but I rallied. That airport is so hi tech and the nicest public restrooms, you get ur own room and sink! Part of my breakdown was I drank a bottle of water from the tap and then I read don't drink tap water! I was like ahh!!! I ran around asking Brits about their water supply lol
mackintosh is everywhere and so it Stuart! Feel so Scotish!
More to say but on sisters iPad and kind of difficult to type on and it's only be a day (cant believe that!)
Miss you guys! Keep writing on the blog!
Off To the first course (beer and cheese cracker),
Stuart
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Get Me Out Post
I wrote that beautiful post that was a description of my emotional arc over the past four years. Then I deleted it because it was kind of boring and unnecessary (and that really belongs in my journal). Shorthand of it: things have gotten better because I feel more confident in myself (my abilities, my body, and how I interact with the world and others). Also, anxiety is my response when I don't deal with something or if I don't want to deal with something.
But regards, I am off on a little journey. I got my backpack and hiking boots. I am ready to learn, try new things, poop in new places, and challenge myself.
Now, I am going to miss you all but thanks to technology we can stay in touch/up to date/ codependent. But there is nothing like a good caf dinner with you all (tear).
You is kind, you is smart, you is pretty, you is important,
Stuart
But regards, I am off on a little journey. I got my backpack and hiking boots. I am ready to learn, try new things, poop in new places, and challenge myself.
Now, I am going to miss you all but thanks to technology we can stay in touch/up to date/ codependent. But there is nothing like a good caf dinner with you all (tear).
You is kind, you is smart, you is pretty, you is important,
Stuart
Saturday, June 16, 2012
not even a security alert
In the verdant gardens and clean sidewalks of downtown New Haven tonight, I was getting Chinese takeout and a creep grabbed me on the way back to the car and started jerking off. I screeched and yelled and a bunch of people came out and chased the guy off, but I was utterly furious. Even after people came out he Would. Not. Let. Go. Most pervs are total cowards, but not this douche. There are a LOT of crazies in New Haven, there are mental hospitals all around the city, but in our oh-so-Caucasian, oh-so-safe state, I learned tonight that most of them have discharged their patients and closed down because mental health isn't very fucking glamourous and therefore isn't worth funding. On Sunday I have to file an assault report with the notoriously corrupt NHPD.
I expect this from New York. I expect it walking home after work or after volunteering in Prospect Park. But no. There are families out, there's a security camera in my building's hallway, there's crowded streets full of people who always want to know each other's business. I never felt so unsafe as I do in the suburbs, but after tonight I wanted to explode with frustration. I'm not even thinking about the what-ifs of tonight, I'm not upset or scared or teary, but goddamnit am I mad about the factors that allow shit like this to happen. People have this perception that cities are cesspools of murderers and rapists and maniacs, which of course they are. But in the suburbs, there are just as many creeps and nowhere to put them and no one out to chase them off from their victims. There is no fucking Holla Back Hartford County. Unlike cities, the 'burbs ignore what a huge risk it is to close down prisons and hospitals--exactly what CT just did--and that leaves me shaking in my car with the doors locked, a baseball bat in one hand and a fruitless phone call to the police in the other. I'm not saying cities like NYC are safe havens by any stretch, but spacious lawns and deserted parking lots are their own particular brand of hell.
I expect this from New York. I expect it walking home after work or after volunteering in Prospect Park. But no. There are families out, there's a security camera in my building's hallway, there's crowded streets full of people who always want to know each other's business. I never felt so unsafe as I do in the suburbs, but after tonight I wanted to explode with frustration. I'm not even thinking about the what-ifs of tonight, I'm not upset or scared or teary, but goddamnit am I mad about the factors that allow shit like this to happen. People have this perception that cities are cesspools of murderers and rapists and maniacs, which of course they are. But in the suburbs, there are just as many creeps and nowhere to put them and no one out to chase them off from their victims. There is no fucking Holla Back Hartford County. Unlike cities, the 'burbs ignore what a huge risk it is to close down prisons and hospitals--exactly what CT just did--and that leaves me shaking in my car with the doors locked, a baseball bat in one hand and a fruitless phone call to the police in the other. I'm not saying cities like NYC are safe havens by any stretch, but spacious lawns and deserted parking lots are their own particular brand of hell.
Friday, June 15, 2012
I have some feelings but they are under control... for now
The following are a few of my feelings.
A. I am excited/not that nervous about leaving. Well beside my visa not being ready. I feel confident that I can handle transatlantic flying, Scottish relatives, France, and South Africa.
B. For the past three nights, I have had beautiful dreams about boys. One I watched Prometheus (which I say today and I thought was kind of really brave and powerful, I cried) with Stanley and then walked home feeling proud of myself. Two I had sex with a homeless man, he penetrated me anally and then I looked at his asshole and was like I am not sticking anything up there. By the way, I think a group of people I knew watched me have sex with him (maybe you guys? proud). Last night I had a dream about the house in South Africa. I had to share my bed with a ginger in a room with no walls and people kept on walking by. I think my dreams are rather progressive and call me to accept/love/not give a fuck about others. Also that there is too many walls in sex. These dreams are all a result of sleeping too much and too many cookies.
C. Only negative feeling (well beside the normal ones that I will be stranded in an airport or left alone with no money. all very rational) is that I keep on making up pre-perceived notions about the people in my South Africa group. It's like I am judging them before I know them by like creating them based on stuff like their gender, perceived race, and names. And I know that they are not at all who I imagine and I tell myself to stop but I keep on doing it and then feel guilty. I think it stems from me caring alot about what I think about myself and guilt about how I treat others. It feels good to write that, feels a little weight has been lifted.
D. I am having to shave my face a lot more and I find it necessary and painful and annoying. Can I get electrolysis on my face. I'm sure you all feel my pain, considering you all have to shave more parts of your body then I do.
Keeping it really in Chi-town,
Stuart
A. I am excited/not that nervous about leaving. Well beside my visa not being ready. I feel confident that I can handle transatlantic flying, Scottish relatives, France, and South Africa.
B. For the past three nights, I have had beautiful dreams about boys. One I watched Prometheus (which I say today and I thought was kind of really brave and powerful, I cried) with Stanley and then walked home feeling proud of myself. Two I had sex with a homeless man, he penetrated me anally and then I looked at his asshole and was like I am not sticking anything up there. By the way, I think a group of people I knew watched me have sex with him (maybe you guys? proud). Last night I had a dream about the house in South Africa. I had to share my bed with a ginger in a room with no walls and people kept on walking by. I think my dreams are rather progressive and call me to accept/love/not give a fuck about others. Also that there is too many walls in sex. These dreams are all a result of sleeping too much and too many cookies.
C. Only negative feeling (well beside the normal ones that I will be stranded in an airport or left alone with no money. all very rational) is that I keep on making up pre-perceived notions about the people in my South Africa group. It's like I am judging them before I know them by like creating them based on stuff like their gender, perceived race, and names. And I know that they are not at all who I imagine and I tell myself to stop but I keep on doing it and then feel guilty. I think it stems from me caring alot about what I think about myself and guilt about how I treat others. It feels good to write that, feels a little weight has been lifted.
D. I am having to shave my face a lot more and I find it necessary and painful and annoying. Can I get electrolysis on my face. I'm sure you all feel my pain, considering you all have to shave more parts of your body then I do.
Keeping it really in Chi-town,
Stuart
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
I raise you one!
I got home, turned on a very feminist Spencer Tracy/Katherine Hepburn comedy, and made a stack of Nutella pancakes.
Although you probably win because you aren't listening to Cat Power sing about your barren void of a future love life with your face mashed into the cushions. #eatingproblems
I should call my mom who doesn't like me at all this week so she doesn't call me at work again. That was embarrassing. Nowhere is safe.
So. tired. why am I this tired? I also want to eat everything all the time. I've never eaten so many pancakes in one sitting before, much less to wash down two White Castle sliders. Incidentally, their sign now reads "Happy Valentine's Day."
Wishing you well,
Isabel
I should call my mom who doesn't like me at all this week so she doesn't call me at work again. That was embarrassing. Nowhere is safe.
So. tired. why am I this tired? I also want to eat everything all the time. I've never eaten so many pancakes in one sitting before, much less to wash down two White Castle sliders. Incidentally, their sign now reads "Happy Valentine's Day."
Wishing you well,
Isabel
Sunday, June 10, 2012
WHAT IS THIS LINK I DON'T EVEN
Here's Fiona and Zach Galifkanakis being silly and misanthropic:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u09s0uz0tEU&feature=relmfu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u09s0uz0tEU&feature=relmfu
I should be doing craft projects right now
So I started watching Fiona Apple videos today:
because they parallel my own frightening, immature approach to relationships with or without Zach Galifkanakis. and because I like that she gets shit done while crawling into the fetal position in bed and grimacing. I've noticed that most of her videos feature pacing in one's room with a few books next to one's bed/being completely unable to sleep, which is another nice quality.
It has been really sticky and gross today. I would describe the atmosphere in NY as porridge-esque. On the Bx12 today this dude tried to grope my leg, although I really don't see where the kicks are in that. Nevertheless, it was weird and I knocked his hand with my bag of paint-by-numbers and shoved him aside on my way out the door 3Blau-mosh-pit-style because I'm staving off the inevitable subway butt-groping for as long as I can.
Lately it seems like there's been more crime than usual in NY. 5 or 6 people have been randomly thrown/some jumped in front of the tracks in the past 2 weeks. Just yesterday most of the 1 in Manhattan was shut down after someone jumped at 96th St. 3 guys were murdered in their BMW right in front of the Manhattan School of Music in broad daylight. Then 3 19-year-old girls were raped walking back to their apartments in Queens, which is making me flip out. I can't tell if this is unusual or I'm just being overly emotional this week. All of the incidents were provoked by men, too. Guys can be so fucking crazy and aggressive and problematic to say the least.
OK. I'm going to go have some more coffee and it will cheer me up. How is everyone else? What are you reading lately? Any interesting walks? TV shows? Movies?
It has been really sticky and gross today. I would describe the atmosphere in NY as porridge-esque. On the Bx12 today this dude tried to grope my leg, although I really don't see where the kicks are in that. Nevertheless, it was weird and I knocked his hand with my bag of paint-by-numbers and shoved him aside on my way out the door 3Blau-mosh-pit-style because I'm staving off the inevitable subway butt-groping for as long as I can.
Lately it seems like there's been more crime than usual in NY. 5 or 6 people have been randomly thrown/some jumped in front of the tracks in the past 2 weeks. Just yesterday most of the 1 in Manhattan was shut down after someone jumped at 96th St. 3 guys were murdered in their BMW right in front of the Manhattan School of Music in broad daylight. Then 3 19-year-old girls were raped walking back to their apartments in Queens, which is making me flip out. I can't tell if this is unusual or I'm just being overly emotional this week. All of the incidents were provoked by men, too. Guys can be so fucking crazy and aggressive and problematic to say the least.
OK. I'm going to go have some more coffee and it will cheer me up. How is everyone else? What are you reading lately? Any interesting walks? TV shows? Movies?
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Mackintosh KabOsh
I had a family day! I talked to many members of my family today. In particular, My mother and I finally had an actual conversation about the abuse she experienced as a child and how she feels about her family (especially the part that I am going to stay with). The part that I am staying with, have told her that they feel partially responsible for the continual abuse she experienced as a child. My mother told me that they are good people but they made a mistake in not reporting/stopping the abuse that was happening. It was good that we talked about what happened and how she feels (it has been a mystery for such a long time, and I have gotten hints and I had an inaccurate picture of what happened, it feels good to know the truth).
In other news, during that convo I found out my moms brother (who she is not in contact with) is gay. Which makes me feel proud/happy for some reason (it feels good to know that it runs in my blood, that my being gay comes from somewhere).
I guess the only conflict I have is my sister is angry at my family for what they did to my mother and for some reason i don't want to feel anger or i don't feel anger? I don't think it's not my right/duty to be angry. I asked my mom if she thinks I should be angry and she said she doesn't want me to be angry or think i should be angry. But I feel a little guilt for not being angry or suppressing anger possibly? What do you all think?
Missing you all and wishing you well in the first week of June,
Stuart
Friday, June 1, 2012
In the hood
Last night someone got shot at my same address the next block over. I heard the shots but I wasn't sure what it was at the time. Then our friend texted us and let us know. The way it sounded it must've been a semi-automatic. It's not often that someone in my neighborhood gets shot, cuz I'm from the suburbs. So I'm not sure why this didn't freak me out. Maybe it would have if it was on my actual block.
Anyway, I think Isabel and Justine (and Stu also, but we probably wouldn't get along) should consider getting an apartment with me for the spring 2013 semester or for senior year. I'm just saying though. Think on it.
I guess that's all for now. YMCA training at 7am tomorrow morning. Fun.
Anyway, I think Isabel and Justine (and Stu also, but we probably wouldn't get along) should consider getting an apartment with me for the spring 2013 semester or for senior year. I'm just saying though. Think on it.
I guess that's all for now. YMCA training at 7am tomorrow morning. Fun.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Unlike smoking, some eighth-grade habits never end.
“Heavens!” Isabel squeaked. “I detect a note of hyperbole in your hormonally wrought proclamations!”
Bernie dropped a large stack of hardbound South African histories from the balcony. With the dexterity of two people who spent at least a third of every year on varsity sports teams, Isaboltz narrowly dodged the crushing weight of Boer rule.
Bernie grunted and hurled a stack of incomplete FAFSAs down in a hurricane of federally unfunded hopes and dreams. Social Security numbers sliced the foul-smelling ginkgo trees to bits.
When his attacked floundered, the raging, polo-shirted he-man of reference slid backwards on the perpetually leaky rooftop. Something behind him crunched.
Isabel’s ears, attuned to the sounds of plants rustling and gossip, pricked with fear. “WAS THAT AUDREY YOU STEPPED ON?” she shrieked.
StealthBoltz bounded up the four stories to discover that, indeed, the four-foot amaryllis had been toppled by He-Bernie. However, being from the Tierney Broman Empire, he didn’t really get what the big deal was about a large, nonflowering perennial being knocked over. It wasn’t like losing your last guy in Call of Duty, but whatever.
Enraged by this display of masculine indifference, Isabel kicked off her Weejuns and flew a rocket-engined version of her clunky green bike up to the roof to inspect the damage.
“Bernie! My plants are not a leftist Latin American government, you cannot go toppling them like the goddamn CIA!”
“Did someone say Uruguay?” Stuart called up. “Because I just found out that Google Maps doesn’t recognize it! It’s like Ontario! Or Delaware!”
“No, Stuart, go back to making that list of fictional places you learned about in Spanish,” Bernie commanded condescendingly. For no one could ever be as smart as he-Bernie.
Seeing that StealthBoltz was too deep in video-game thoughts to help much, Isabel summoned years of long-dormant, Nancy Drewish courage and glided over to where he-Bernie sat.
“Ahem, Bernie. Can you truly answer ALL of the reference questions?”
“Of course I can. I take my knowledge from my Power Pen.”
“Uh-hmm.” Anal-retentive phallo-centric weirdo, Isabel thought with trademark irrational disdain. Well, years of cognitive behavioral therapy and classic children’s literature had some magic to work on this Freudian fraud. “Bernie, where does Hitchcock cameo in North by Northwest?”
“On the trolley. Incidentally, your comments in that class were highly unoriginal.”
“So are your ad hominem remarks. Two points for team Isaboltz!” interjected Mock Trial Justine from a treetop canopy.
Isabel quizzed him right and left about neorealism and postmodern politics, never once agreeing with his references. There had to be some way to stump him!
The fourth floor, cavernous and intimidating to the liberal-arts majority at Fordham, sprawled before Isabel. Framed folio prints of orchids and stamens caught her eye. Mostly because of the highly sexual, O’Keefe-esque intimations of the diagrams, but also...
“Bernie, what is an epiphyte?”
Like the blond bitch in Dark Shadows, a crack spread across he-Bernie’s shoulder.
“What about an epiphyll? Maybe something easy--what does a milkweed pod look like?”
More cracks.
“My second-graders know this.”
An arm fell off, clattering noisily against Audrey’s dilapidated pot.
“I...do not...understand.”
“You need to come up to the fourth floor more often.” Or at least you should have a week ago, when I still a. cared and b. had a sliver of job security.
With every nagging, feminine criticism she lashed at him, he-Bernie seemed to shatter more.
“Whether you can afford to make documentaries in South Africa means nothing to me. It seems like a white-man’s-burden idea anyways. Something that should have been left in the era of Rudyard Kipling. In addition, your polo shirts make you look like a middle-aged libertarian, which repudiates any claim you have on being “always stylishly dressed.” And while you claim to challenge gender-norms in the workplace in being a he-brarian, admittedly you are clever--yet it is a genuine attitude, not a title, which creates real change. A president is nothing without his New Deal doctrine. Harrumph. Now if you and your vast brainage will excuse me, I have to go fight for my job back.”
In the treetops, Mock Trial Justine applauded young Isabel for finally citing the prosecution’s claims as evidence of their own guilt and rebutting each of their points of attack.
Isabel daintily pushed the shards of broken patriarchy off the balcony and swished back to her flying rocket moped bike. It had been a long day of challenging hetero-patriarchal norms, and she was thrilled to float back to her sweaty apartment, peel off her summer frock, and watch French movies while getting drunk off the “stereotypical French” drinking game with Bboltz.
Yet little did she know the fragments below were reassembling. “I have friends!,” cried the shifting shards. “In circulation! The core of the library! See if you ever find your favorite book on The Neighborhoods of Brooklyn ever again! Knowledge of Windsor Terrace’s demographics will be lost to you forevaaaaaaaar!”
Saturday, May 26, 2012
I am back
I don't do creative titles. It takes too much thinking. This won't be as long as it should be because I have to go to work like...now. I haven't been posting because I've been working so much. I've worked like 50 hours this week, which is something I've never done so it's taking some getting used to. I got the YMCA day camp job that I wanted here in South Philly. It starts in late June. It's full time, but I feel so loyal to the amusement park (where I'm working now and have worked for three years) so I think I'll still work there too still, but just on Saturdays.
Honestly, this summer is just work work work. I'm looking forward to the vacation I'm taking for four days to VA beach.
Ty and I have been bickering a lot lately. She says she's cranky/depressed because it's May (her dad's birthday and death month) but I say I understand but she shouldn't treat me shitty because of it. Oh well, it's not all bad but I hope it's better in June. Our one year anniversary is on Tuesday, but we're celebrating it Sunday. Is it selfish of me to expect a gift even though I told her just dinner is fine and she has an unusually large number of expenses this month? Hmph. My gift to her is the vacation in July (it was like $700 so it's her anniversary and bday gift) and I think I'm gonna please her inner Barb the Builder with a power drill.
Work has been okay (that's really the only other thing I have to talk about). I'm usually in the office, so I answer phones, handle guests who come to the window, and handle employees who come in the office. You wouldn't believe it, but I'm incredibly cheerful and nice on the phone and to guests. It takes a lot of energy from me. Bahahah.
Stu, check your mail regularly.
Until later,
Rae
Honestly, this summer is just work work work. I'm looking forward to the vacation I'm taking for four days to VA beach.
Ty and I have been bickering a lot lately. She says she's cranky/depressed because it's May (her dad's birthday and death month) but I say I understand but she shouldn't treat me shitty because of it. Oh well, it's not all bad but I hope it's better in June. Our one year anniversary is on Tuesday, but we're celebrating it Sunday. Is it selfish of me to expect a gift even though I told her just dinner is fine and she has an unusually large number of expenses this month? Hmph. My gift to her is the vacation in July (it was like $700 so it's her anniversary and bday gift) and I think I'm gonna please her inner Barb the Builder with a power drill.
Work has been okay (that's really the only other thing I have to talk about). I'm usually in the office, so I answer phones, handle guests who come to the window, and handle employees who come in the office. You wouldn't believe it, but I'm incredibly cheerful and nice on the phone and to guests. It takes a lot of energy from me. Bahahah.
Stu, check your mail regularly.
Until later,
Rae
Friday, May 25, 2012
I want lunch.
Hi all,
I miss Rae. Why you no post anymore? We need a voice of reason around these parts, we're becoming increasingly high-strung as the summer passes on.
Today has been lonely and quiet in library world. Bernie has this hilarious reading position where he looks like he's stroking an imaginary beard, although he holds it for hours--every time I walk down it's as if he never moved. I found the food section today while shelving, so I have some new culinary goals for the summer. That reminds me, Justine, peaches are coming into season and I thought we'd make some chilled peach soup in the blender when you come by. The hippie cookbook has just so many delicious options. You'd like it.
We decided last night that we are going to take the BBoltz thing well and see how it goes rather than let anxiety and colon issues make all the decisions.
No one from OSE has emailed me back yet, unsurprisingly. Next week I have to argue with HR because I didn't get paid for nearly a month this spring, which is upsetting.
I'm going home again this weekend, which is disappointing but maybe I'll get to go to the overstock store and get some new types of olives. I think Alex ate my jar of tapenade the other day. It's cold but not raining yet. Sandwich time.
Take care,
Isabe
I miss Rae. Why you no post anymore? We need a voice of reason around these parts, we're becoming increasingly high-strung as the summer passes on.
Today has been lonely and quiet in library world. Bernie has this hilarious reading position where he looks like he's stroking an imaginary beard, although he holds it for hours--every time I walk down it's as if he never moved. I found the food section today while shelving, so I have some new culinary goals for the summer. That reminds me, Justine, peaches are coming into season and I thought we'd make some chilled peach soup in the blender when you come by. The hippie cookbook has just so many delicious options. You'd like it.
We decided last night that we are going to take the BBoltz thing well and see how it goes rather than let anxiety and colon issues make all the decisions.
No one from OSE has emailed me back yet, unsurprisingly. Next week I have to argue with HR because I didn't get paid for nearly a month this spring, which is upsetting.
I'm going home again this weekend, which is disappointing but maybe I'll get to go to the overstock store and get some new types of olives. I think Alex ate my jar of tapenade the other day. It's cold but not raining yet. Sandwich time.
Take care,
Isabe
Thursday, May 24, 2012
It's My Birthday!
Lovely Birthday! What to write about???
I woke up and ate a bowl of cereal. I walked and picked up an edible arrangement. I came back home and ate part of the arrangement with a side of popcorn while watching a fabulous movie about drag queens and a transvestite traveling in a RV across Australia (Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert), my new favorite movie after Bring It On. Then I got thai food, which was scrumptious! I took Rindy for a walk somewhere during this block of activities.
Then I was reading Moses, Man of the Mountain (ZORA!), and I started to get a little horny... so I started doing things but then I realized I was in my living room and sheer curtains... So I went upstairs but I lost the mood but those moments on the couch... let's just say I got to base camp 3 out of 5 (base camps to fucking oneself up the butt) without thinking, I was totally into myself and shit, which was exciting and new and I felt good/exciting things are coming my way (well at least in regards to my ass region). I suppose I could thank Justine for this ;) She told me to do what feels good. So unwaspy...
Then mother came home and we took Rindy for a walk and that was good except I was bloated. Then we went home and watched a movie about this girl who goes all PTSD after escaping from a cult in upstate New York.
So that was my birthday! It twas lovely hearing from you all :)
I am excited about being 20 and a new decade.
I am going to do some push-ups and sit-ups because last decade I really worked on my legs but this decade it's all about the arms and the chest.
Miss you guys!
It's not even summer yet,
Stuart
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Afternoon stream-of-barely-consciousness library tirades
I am trying to come up with more than two sentences' worth of
feelings per day and it's very stressful. Ever since I started college
I've become so emotionally flat and I don't know where it's coming from.
Shit, I hope I didn't peak in high school, that's like climbing a sand
dune on Rockaway Beach and expecting a medal for it. While I was reading
"How the Garcia Girls Lost Their Accents" I began to question how life
would have been different if I'd only had some siblings. Probably
better-adjusted. Or at least adjusted in any form whatsoever. Although
every time the protagonists complain about their parents yelling at them
for dating and smoking weeedz in high school I want to send the
boo-fuckiddy-hoo fairy over to fiction world to make them simmer down
and take an AP class. Not that I resent literary figures. Nooo.
There is a guy who walks back and forth once in a while in front of the science desk reading a book. He hasn't been here for a little while so I hope everything is going ok for him. No plants yet on the balcony, although I like looking out at the fourth-floor view: it's like being suspended in a treetop canopy. All of the nature with none of the nasty dirt/bugs/scrapes from tree bark.
The idea of having an online temporary-friend-making service for New Yorkers that I think Stuart was talking about has got to be one of the best ideas since the D train. I am hoping to make friends at the Celebrate Brooklyn training that will let me sleep at their place on Saturday nights after shows; every relationship serves an ulterior motive.
In other news, I have located the urban design and landscaping section of the fourth floor. This weekend's book will be a natural history of New York City, rawr.
There is a guy who walks back and forth once in a while in front of the science desk reading a book. He hasn't been here for a little while so I hope everything is going ok for him. No plants yet on the balcony, although I like looking out at the fourth-floor view: it's like being suspended in a treetop canopy. All of the nature with none of the nasty dirt/bugs/scrapes from tree bark.
The idea of having an online temporary-friend-making service for New Yorkers that I think Stuart was talking about has got to be one of the best ideas since the D train. I am hoping to make friends at the Celebrate Brooklyn training that will let me sleep at their place on Saturday nights after shows; every relationship serves an ulterior motive.
In other news, I have located the urban design and landscaping section of the fourth floor. This weekend's book will be a natural history of New York City, rawr.
Finding Zora
I woke up this morning and went to twatter. I looked up an article that Dorian Warren posted. And I read that Zora Neale Hurston opposed Brown vs. the Board of Education. Yesterday, I read an article about Brown Vs The Board Of Education that said that would need to force desegregation (busing students there and back) in our schools again because that was what allowed african-american students (Dorian Warren's generation) to succeed. So I was like fuck you Zora, you ignorant bitch!
But then... I got home from my walk and googled Zora and read some more things. And she actually had very interesting reasons for not liking Brown Vs. The Board Of Eduction. She believed that through the use of black action, reliability, and economic gain not through the help of white government/people should blacks receive equality. That is very powerful I think. So now I am just confused as fuck.
Also, her views of gender equality are very interesting. I need to read more of her work though.
So much to read,
Stuart
But then... I got home from my walk and googled Zora and read some more things. And she actually had very interesting reasons for not liking Brown Vs. The Board Of Eduction. She believed that through the use of black action, reliability, and economic gain not through the help of white government/people should blacks receive equality. That is very powerful I think. So now I am just confused as fuck.
Also, her views of gender equality are very interesting. I need to read more of her work though.
So much to read,
Stuart
Monday, May 21, 2012
Julia Alvarez is my homegirl.
I decided this afternoon that I want to read so much this summer that by August I'll have hardly any books to drag back to campus.
In the meantime, I would like it to stop raining.
I grilled things this weekend in CT; it made me wish we were all together having some sort of family cookout.
Best,
Isabel
In the meantime, I would like it to stop raining.
I grilled things this weekend in CT; it made me wish we were all together having some sort of family cookout.
Best,
Isabel
Sunday, May 20, 2012
To Isabel:
I have yet to hear details of your date....do tell.
On a side note, tomorrow I'm having a BBQ. I wish your fat asses were here to partake. I need to show off my (only/favorite?) white friends. LOL.
Isabel: date--go:
On a side note, tomorrow I'm having a BBQ. I wish your fat asses were here to partake. I need to show off my (only/favorite?) white friends. LOL.
Isabel: date--go:
Friday, May 18, 2012
Rash: Day 5
I have a rash. The past two movies I have watched depicted cricket. I am very excited/nervous about South Africa. I am reading Bonfire Of The Vanities and I love it. Next on my list is Beloved.
Today, my mother brought up her interest and excitement over sexual experimentation with women for the second time in the past two months. I am supportive.
I saw a movie today about India. It seems very cool, like an untamed NYC. I find Indian people attractive.
Also great quote from movie, "I'm gay, well not so much in practice anymore but in theory" lol
With love,
Stuart
Today, my mother brought up her interest and excitement over sexual experimentation with women for the second time in the past two months. I am supportive.
I saw a movie today about India. It seems very cool, like an untamed NYC. I find Indian people attractive.
Also great quote from movie, "I'm gay, well not so much in practice anymore but in theory" lol
With love,
Stuart
Meh
I don't have really anything to say. I just wanted to figure out how to make a post. Success! (hopefully, because I haven't posted it yet). I like those goals, Isabel. Mine are as follows:
- Get everything ready for DR
- Work
- Keep up with my Spanish ( so I'm not like "duhhhh...ummmm..." when I get there)...this includes watching Spanish TV with the subtitles which is always fun (last night I watched a court show where the lady was suing a sex therapist for "making" her husband gay...but in reality she just suggested they try to switch gender roles in the bedroom and when he liked dressing up like a woman she called him gay bahahhaha)
- Work
- Read books (this summer I have to read books in Spanish, must refrain from reading books in English even though there are sooo many I still need to read)
- Work
Lots of working..my body aches already!
I miss yal...super sad face :(
- Get everything ready for DR
- Work
- Keep up with my Spanish ( so I'm not like "duhhhh...ummmm..." when I get there)...this includes watching Spanish TV with the subtitles which is always fun (last night I watched a court show where the lady was suing a sex therapist for "making" her husband gay...but in reality she just suggested they try to switch gender roles in the bedroom and when he liked dressing up like a woman she called him gay bahahhaha)
- Work
- Read books (this summer I have to read books in Spanish, must refrain from reading books in English even though there are sooo many I still need to read)
- Work
Lots of working..my body aches already!
I miss yal...super sad face :(
May, I Try
Just read an article on NATO meeting in Chicago, they're true rudeass bitches.
I have decided on my basic summer goals, which will of course be abandoned by late June:
I have decided on my basic summer goals, which will of course be abandoned by late June:
- Podcast French
- Become a faster typist
- Find something to look forward to every week
- Get a fantastic, 2-scoops-of-ice-cream kind of ass like you guys had last summer
- Write shit-awful poetry about the Bronx
- Bike the length of Manhattan
- Take the bike to Brooklyn shows and make bike friendz
- Make gazpacho
Thursday, May 17, 2012
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