White Castle Breakfast

I'm not sure how to really follow up after Justine and Stuart's more serious posts, but um, I'm having another 24-hour emotional flood between my usual drought of feelings.
So Justine has already heard the first part of this story on the phone, but I'll go on anyways, there will be much less incomprehensible giggling this time:
So Chris and I had a great time on Saturday--we walked around Chelsea, got Thai food at the sidewalk place we went to last year (it has a great new redesign BTW, monochrome armchairs and pink walls with baroque chandeliers, and pride flags for the parade!), then went to Brooklyn Heights. We wandered around, found the riverside park, and sat there and chatted for 2 hours. It was one of those rare times when talking doesn't make me feel forced and uncomfortable and exhausted. He also makes lists of people he dreams of having at dinner parties.
Afterwards, we went to the Brooklyn Heights Cinema, which has great velvet seats, to see Moonrise Kingdom. I think it's tied with the Royal Tenenbaums as Wes Anderson's best movie and in the flood scene I was like "Where's George Clooney with the rolltop desk?" and he got the O Brother Where Art Thou? reference. We got ingredients for peach tea and cookies at a nice supermarket (he paid), took the Staten Island Ferry to cool off, and went back to the apartment. He complained about mass transit which was a downside, and I would have argued back but I didn't have any coffee yesterday.
Here's where it gets less innocent.
We made a giant cookie pie and peach tea with Snapple and Pellegrino. Then we threw in some Long Island iced tea (fyi, I learned it contains rum, vodka, and gin!) So after I got everything cooked I knocked back 2ish shots in my tea and followed with a Heineken, and we settled in at the table to watch Archer. Amazingly I didn't hurl. Oh, and while shitfaced we read William Safire's speech about the 1969 moon launch and talked about American history.
Then Alen and Drue walked in, which was SUPER awkward, no other word to describe it, and Alen plopped down on the couch to assert his territory or something. So we shuffled off to bed shortly thereafter.
After 5 hours of passing in and out of sleep, Chris rolls over as the sun is coming up and says something about how we keep inching closer to each other and what our relationship really is and we ended up cuddling for awhile.
Then I don't know who kissed who first, but we ended up making out and um stuff but not a home run. Then we got White Castle for a hangover breakfast, saw Marisa and Liam (they looked angry) and returned home to make out and um stuff some more. Which was incidentally very good. I was extremely surprised.
Then I walked him up to the D train and we made out at the station before I sent him off. So that was a BIG MTA and life goal accomplished. #margottenenbaum

Later this afternoon I emailed him because I started to feel weird after we'd kind of left our relationship status pretty ambiguous. I said I liked him a lot and wanted to know how he felt or something to that effect. He just emailed me back and said he also really liked me and even though we're both working a lot and are really far apart dating would be worth a try.

So, um, basically for the whole weekend I've been painfully and wonderfully aware of how I'm partly thinking like a really stupid teen girl, thinking about how he must be different, a bit, how even though he still seems immature his creative projects always make me crack up, and partly thinking about how I genuinely have never felt so excited to date a boy in my life, how easy it is to joke about little things with him, how--finally--it felt like the most balanced relationship I've had the potential to become involved yet. I never feel like I have to hide my nerdy urban studies factoids or pretend to like his music as I've done before. We argue and talk and unlike with Alex I never shy from snapping back at something he says (probably I did today but I haven't slept so I just nod along with almost anything). I'm trying not to go over another judgement-blinding, dizzying emotional waterfall as I did in freshman year, but I'm still trying to give it a modicum of hope.

I just don't know. I'm 19, not 30, and I think I can allow myself to hurtle into a relationship with someone I might just be able to love. Strong feelings are not really my strong suit, at least when it comes to relationships, but I really hope this is the time when I can finally let some of them out.

(OK I can't tell if I sound really dispassionate or really dopey sappy lovesick, but the point is I'm trying to tread the fine line in the middle).

In a Mcdonald's in inverness

About an hour to teatime (dinner here but takes many hours, we eat slowly and there is the art of convo). Scotland is beautiful! My sister and I have spent the afternoon in Inverness while alf and Helen prepare for teatime (it's gointo be big, there kids and grandchildren are going to be there. Lots of Whiskey!) we went to Claudine, a battle site, alf and Helen are like isabels, extremely knowledgeable about scotland and mackintosh clan stuff (lots of maps and tartens) they are also very proud of their culture and clan. They are also a very happy couple who do everthintogether like cook and go to the baths (pool) and sit in the sunroom and talk about the birds that are outside their window. The Mackintosh seem to function well and happily. Traveling was pretty good, had little poop breakdown at gatwick but I rallied. That airport is so hi tech and the nicest public restrooms, you get ur own room and sink! Part of my breakdown was I drank a bottle of water from the tap and then I read don't drink tap water! I was like ahh!!! I ran around asking Brits about their water supply lol mackintosh is everywhere and so it Stuart! Feel so Scotish! More to say but on sisters iPad and kind of difficult to type on and it's only be a day (cant believe that!) Miss you guys! Keep writing on the blog! Off To the first course (beer and cheese cracker), Stuart

Get Me Out Post

I wrote that beautiful post that was a description of my emotional arc over the past four years. Then I deleted it because it was kind of boring and unnecessary (and that really belongs in my journal). Shorthand of it: things have gotten better because I feel more confident in myself (my abilities, my body, and how I interact with the world and others). Also, anxiety is my response when I don't deal with something or if I don't want to deal with something.

But regards, I am off on a little journey. I got my backpack and hiking boots. I am ready to learn, try new things, poop in new places, and challenge myself.

Now, I am going to miss you all but thanks to technology we can stay in touch/up to date/ codependent. But there is nothing like a good caf dinner with you all (tear).

You is kind, you is smart, you is pretty, you is important,

Stuart 

not even a security alert

In the verdant gardens and clean sidewalks of downtown New Haven tonight, I was getting Chinese takeout and a creep grabbed me on the way back to the car and started jerking off. I screeched and yelled and a bunch of people came out and chased the guy off, but I was utterly furious. Even after people came out he Would. Not. Let. Go. Most pervs are total cowards, but not this douche. There are a LOT of crazies in New Haven, there are mental hospitals all around the city, but in our oh-so-Caucasian, oh-so-safe state, I learned tonight that most of them have discharged their patients and closed down because mental health isn't very fucking glamourous and therefore isn't worth funding. On Sunday I have to file an assault report with the notoriously corrupt NHPD.

I expect this from New York. I expect it walking home after work or after volunteering in Prospect Park. But no. There are families out, there's a security camera in my building's hallway, there's crowded streets full of people who always want to know each other's business. I never felt so unsafe as I do in the suburbs, but after tonight I wanted to explode with frustration. I'm not even thinking about the what-ifs of tonight, I'm not upset or scared or teary, but goddamnit am I mad about the factors that allow shit like this to happen. People have this perception that cities are cesspools of murderers and rapists and maniacs, which of course they are. But in the suburbs, there are just as many creeps and nowhere to put them and no one out to chase them off from their victims. There is no fucking Holla Back Hartford County. Unlike cities, the 'burbs ignore what a huge risk it is to close down prisons and hospitals--exactly what CT just did--and that leaves me shaking in my car with the doors locked, a baseball bat in one hand and a fruitless phone call to the police in the other. I'm not saying cities like NYC are safe havens by any stretch, but spacious lawns and deserted parking lots are their own particular brand of hell.

I have some feelings but they are under control... for now

The following are a few of my feelings.

A. I am excited/not that nervous about leaving. Well beside my visa not being ready. I feel confident that I can handle transatlantic flying, Scottish relatives, France, and South Africa. 
B. For the past three nights, I have had beautiful dreams about boys. One I watched Prometheus (which I say today and I thought was kind of really brave and powerful, I cried) with Stanley and then walked home feeling proud of myself. Two I had sex with a homeless man, he penetrated me anally and then I looked at his asshole and was like I am not sticking anything up there. By the way, I think a group of people I knew watched me have sex with him (maybe you guys? proud). Last night I had a dream about the house in South Africa. I had to share my bed with a ginger in a room with no walls and people kept on walking by. I think my dreams are rather progressive and call me to accept/love/not give a fuck about others. Also that there is too many walls in sex. These dreams are all a result of sleeping too much and too many cookies.
C. Only negative feeling (well beside the normal ones that I will be stranded in an airport or left alone with no money. all very rational) is that I keep on making up pre-perceived notions about the people in my South Africa group. It's like I am judging them before I know them by like creating them based on stuff like their gender, perceived race, and names. And I know that they are not at all who I imagine and I tell myself to stop but I keep on doing it and then feel guilty. I think it stems from me caring alot about what I think about myself and guilt about how I treat others. It feels good to write that, feels a little weight has been lifted.
D. I am having to shave my face a lot more and I find it necessary and painful and annoying. Can I get electrolysis on my face. I'm sure you all feel my pain, considering you all have to shave more parts of your body then I do.

Keeping it really in Chi-town,

Stuart 

I raise you one!

I got home, turned on a very feminist Spencer Tracy/Katherine Hepburn comedy, and made a stack of Nutella pancakes.

Although you probably win because you aren't listening to Cat Power sing about your barren void of a future love life with your face mashed into the cushions. #eatingproblems
I should call my mom who doesn't like me at all this week so she doesn't call me at work again. That was embarrassing. Nowhere is safe.
So. tired. why am I this tired? I also want to eat everything all the time. I've never eaten so many pancakes in one sitting before, much less to wash down two White Castle sliders. Incidentally, their sign now reads "Happy Valentine's Day."

Wishing you well,

Isabel

WHAT IS THIS LINK I DON'T EVEN

Here's Fiona and Zach Galifkanakis being silly and misanthropic:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u09s0uz0tEU&feature=relmfu

I should be doing craft projects right now

So I started watching Fiona Apple videos today:

because they parallel my own frightening, immature approach to relationships with or without Zach Galifkanakis. and because I like that she gets shit done while crawling into the fetal position in bed and grimacing. I've noticed that most of her videos feature pacing in one's room with a few books next to one's bed/being completely unable to sleep, which is another nice quality.
It has been really sticky and gross today. I would describe the atmosphere in NY as porridge-esque. On the Bx12 today this dude tried to grope my leg, although I really don't see where the kicks are in that. Nevertheless, it was weird and I knocked his hand with my bag of paint-by-numbers and shoved him aside on my way out the door 3Blau-mosh-pit-style because I'm staving off the inevitable subway butt-groping for as long as I can.
Lately it seems like there's been more crime than usual in NY. 5 or 6 people have been randomly thrown/some jumped in front of the tracks in the past 2 weeks. Just yesterday most of the 1 in Manhattan was shut down after someone jumped at 96th St. 3 guys were murdered in their BMW right in front of the Manhattan School of Music in broad daylight. Then 3 19-year-old girls were raped walking back to their apartments in Queens, which is making me flip out. I can't tell if this is unusual or I'm just being overly emotional this week. All of the incidents were provoked by men, too. Guys can be so fucking crazy and aggressive and problematic to say the least.
OK. I'm going to go have some more coffee and it will cheer me up. How is everyone else? What are you reading lately? Any interesting walks? TV shows? Movies?

Mackintosh KabOsh

I had a family day! I talked to many members of my family today. In particular, My mother and I finally had an actual conversation about the abuse she experienced as a child and how she feels about her family (especially the part that I am going to stay with). The part that I am staying with, have told her that they feel partially responsible for the continual abuse she experienced as a child. My mother told me that they are good people but they made a mistake in not reporting/stopping  the abuse that was happening. It was good that we talked about what happened and how she feels (it has been a mystery for such a long time, and I have gotten hints and I had an inaccurate picture of what happened, it feels good to know the truth).

In other news, during that convo I found out my moms brother (who she is not in contact with) is gay. Which makes me feel proud/happy for some reason (it feels good to know that it runs in my blood, that my being gay comes from somewhere). 

I guess the only conflict I have is my sister is angry at my family for what they did to my mother and for some reason i don't want to feel anger or i don't feel anger? I don't think it's not my right/duty to be angry. I asked my mom if she thinks I should be angry and she said she doesn't want me to be angry or think i should be angry. But I feel a little guilt for not being angry or suppressing anger possibly? What do you all think?

Missing you all and wishing you well in the first week of June,

Stuart 

In the hood

Last night someone got shot at my same address the next block over. I heard the shots but I wasn't sure what it was at the time. Then our friend texted us and let us know. The way it sounded it must've been a semi-automatic. It's not often that someone in my neighborhood gets shot, cuz I'm from the suburbs. So I'm not sure why this didn't freak me out. Maybe it would have if it was on my actual block.
Anyway, I think Isabel and Justine (and Stu also, but we probably wouldn't get along) should consider getting an apartment with me for the spring 2013 semester or for senior year. I'm just saying though. Think on it.
I guess that's all for now. YMCA training at 7am tomorrow morning. Fun.