Monday, July 30, 2012
Both buttnaked bangin' on the bathroom floor
I am fucking blogging. I was waiting to get to an amazing emotional peak to write but well one can’t move mountains.
1. I am working with a fourth grade class. The kids are black and speak xhosi as their first language. Most of their school instruction is in English. When I give instructions though, I have one of the students translate for me (the kids are at different levels of English fluency). Xhosi is an interesting language, there is a lot of clicks. The school I work at is working with little resources (like nothing, except pencils, papers, and school books and chalk, there is a large quantity of chalk.) The first week of work/service learning was rough, I was alone with the kids all day and I had no idea what to do (it was a shit show). But today the teacher gave me some structure and I really enjoyed the day. I especially enjoy hanging out with the kids and just talking. Hanging out with the kids makes me want to be a teacher.
2. I love UWC, the university I go to. It was a colored university (under the apartheid government) But now it’s about 50 percent black and 48 percent colored or Indian (I can’t really tell) and 2 percent assorted white. I made a friend, his name is Michael. He is colored and straight. I told him I was gay the first day we met. It was actually a funny story. His work study was at the computer lab in the library. I couldn’t get into the lab because my card wasn’t registered. So he took me to get it registered (he wasn’t feeling work) and then we talked for the rest of the shift. Then we went to the barn (school pub) and shared a Gatsby (a piece of bread, meat, and fries covered in a heavenly sauce). Speaking of food, it is so cheap here (like I went to dinner tonight, my burger at a nice restaurant was 3.50 in American dollars). But regards, I love UWC! It makes me feel stupid for not getting to know more of the commuters at Fordham more.
3. The house is good! The people are really great and I am enjoying getting to know them. The only thing is that I totally want to go neighborhood exploring in “bad” areas and go to colored and black bars and restaurants, and not everyone is into that. I love Long Street though, it’s the nightclub and bar area in Cape Town. We go there on the weekends, it is so much fun! There is so much culture shock, crazy, and energy. I be dancing my ass off!
4. The nature here is beautiful. I have a mountain I try to hike up everyday. My housemate Shannon and I actually hiked it barefoot last night (she’s from Portland, I call her Shannon Spirit).
5. Boys: I am so fucking on it but no hooks yet. I have been putting myself out there though. I’m getting closer!
I can’t really write about South Africa and its culture/problems/pros because I am still seeing it through an American lens/cynicism/issues but I really like the people I have met and am enjoying the experiences I am having.
I miss you all!
Roll Out,
Stu.lu (that’s South African for Stu.Lo)
P.S. Post-Long Street skyping seems to be best for me (the only time when the internet is not blocked up). I get back at 4 or 5 am (so bad) and I could skype you all at 10 pm or 11 your time on Saturday night/early Sunday morning my time. Anyone free this weekend?
Friday, July 27, 2012
blah blah fear and insecurities blah blah
Hi darlings,
Well, I was just about to think my mom had been less crazy than usual this summer but this week I realized she was just delayed.
If I were in a relationship like this with anyone else, even my dad, I'd have snapped my ties, changed my address, and run like hell. But you just can't do that to your own mother. Over and over again, I remind myself that this is an exception, that women who act like me in relationships like this end up dead, and that it really isn't as bad as my unfortunately-still-teenage ass sees it.
This week has been fairly busy--the deadline for my internship Fulbright is next Wednesday and there's still an itinerary to be planned and recommendations to get in order. My boss has been all stressful and I've got to go in Mon./Tues./Weds. next week. Full disclosure, I also really wanted to go to Jersey this weekend.
But I haven't been calling Mom much lately, in fact I've been really lazy about it. When she wanted me to come up in the middle of the week to care for our cat who won't stop licking all her fur off, I felt super trapped between getting my work done in NY and doing stuff for my family that also needed to get done, and which I felt like I owed her. I'm really tired tonight and there's been this massive downpour and lightning storm. Plus I don't get my check till tomorrow and I literally can't get to CT and back. Not that this would stop my mom from coming down here, which terrifies me.
So when I didn't come tonight, she called and was FURIOUS, like last-July furious, and kept talking about how far I pushed her, how I did not want to see how far she would take this, how she wanted me up there NOW--which meant getting to New Haven, not my fave place anymore, at 1 or 2am.
I'm exhausted, I'm scared, and as I tell myself every year, I am too old for this shit. Last time I had to deal with her arrest and both of us being humiliated and crying like a bitch for nearly a week straight. I came thisclose to stealing my dad's car because she wouldn't leave me alone otherwise, but I'd hidden my set of keys. I've been picked up by friends in the middle of the night, dropped off again, seen that nothing has changed, and walked across town at 2am to wait at my aunt's house until dawn, when she gets up, so I could call my dad, who even then isn't always willing to come down and get me. I've hidden in closets, run through parking lots and busy streets and woods with nothing in my pockets and not even my watch, done all manner of crazy, unbelievable, probably very immature shit to get away from these situations. I've been woken up by police officers late at night as my mom walks around my dad's house screaming at me to come out on school nights and gone to my guidance counselor's office the next morning saying I couldn't go to class because everything I have is at home and my mom won't let me in. Whenever I try talking to my dad, he lapses into saying insulting things about her--taking my frustrations and using them as examples to justify his own lowly view of her, which I hate just as much as I hate her manipulations. It's as if the only two other people who witness this shit are too caught up in self-serving vitriol to realize the damage they're doing to us as a family.
It's worse every year, and I can see the effects of these horrible Julys manifest in the next 11 months. My everyday relationship with mom gets weaker, more dishonest and pathetic: I will tell her almost anything if it will keep her temporarily happy. I don't even recognize our old, HS, Gilmore Girls-like relationship anymore. I can barely talk for weeks afterward, and little things that remind me of an incident fill me with terror, like a purse or clothing I remember wearing the day it happened. I don't even wear those clothes anymore--they make me so nervous I threw out or burned most of them.
The older I get, the more I realize I'm too old to rely on other family members, much less adult strangers, to do anything for me, which is a logical and reasonable chain of events. I thought this summer, in NY, I'd be a little safer, and that getting away would be my means of safeguarding myself. I never wanted to feel that ice-cold knot of fear creep over me again or feel dizzy and faint as I realize I have dug myself in too deep and there is nothing I can do now but watch my humiliation and hope that it's over soon. that I'm still such an immature little shit, and that as much as my mom has problems I could be helping more. And that I never, ever seem to learn. I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow, or this weekend--I'm going to go to work and maybe try to take the afternoon off to go in the city and disappear for a few hours and think. I told my roommates not to let my mom in if she comes down, but I don't want to think about how embarassed I'll be if she came to work or my place so angry. Still, if she cools it a bit, I'll probs go up there to check on the cats and actually do the things I'm responsible for this weekend. I just...I know that she keeps trying to manipulate me with these problems and disasters. I hardly know when something is an urgent responsibility she has to depend on me for, and when she just wants me to do something for her or buy her something. When she comes back up from this anger, the amount of relief--not happiness--that I feel makes me almost sick at myself, knowing that I used to be so much stronger. Many summers later, I've been worn down to a simpering mush, trying to do anything just to please people.
Well, I was just about to think my mom had been less crazy than usual this summer but this week I realized she was just delayed.
If I were in a relationship like this with anyone else, even my dad, I'd have snapped my ties, changed my address, and run like hell. But you just can't do that to your own mother. Over and over again, I remind myself that this is an exception, that women who act like me in relationships like this end up dead, and that it really isn't as bad as my unfortunately-still-teenage ass sees it.
This week has been fairly busy--the deadline for my internship Fulbright is next Wednesday and there's still an itinerary to be planned and recommendations to get in order. My boss has been all stressful and I've got to go in Mon./Tues./Weds. next week. Full disclosure, I also really wanted to go to Jersey this weekend.
But I haven't been calling Mom much lately, in fact I've been really lazy about it. When she wanted me to come up in the middle of the week to care for our cat who won't stop licking all her fur off, I felt super trapped between getting my work done in NY and doing stuff for my family that also needed to get done, and which I felt like I owed her. I'm really tired tonight and there's been this massive downpour and lightning storm. Plus I don't get my check till tomorrow and I literally can't get to CT and back. Not that this would stop my mom from coming down here, which terrifies me.
So when I didn't come tonight, she called and was FURIOUS, like last-July furious, and kept talking about how far I pushed her, how I did not want to see how far she would take this, how she wanted me up there NOW--which meant getting to New Haven, not my fave place anymore, at 1 or 2am.
I'm exhausted, I'm scared, and as I tell myself every year, I am too old for this shit. Last time I had to deal with her arrest and both of us being humiliated and crying like a bitch for nearly a week straight. I came thisclose to stealing my dad's car because she wouldn't leave me alone otherwise, but I'd hidden my set of keys. I've been picked up by friends in the middle of the night, dropped off again, seen that nothing has changed, and walked across town at 2am to wait at my aunt's house until dawn, when she gets up, so I could call my dad, who even then isn't always willing to come down and get me. I've hidden in closets, run through parking lots and busy streets and woods with nothing in my pockets and not even my watch, done all manner of crazy, unbelievable, probably very immature shit to get away from these situations. I've been woken up by police officers late at night as my mom walks around my dad's house screaming at me to come out on school nights and gone to my guidance counselor's office the next morning saying I couldn't go to class because everything I have is at home and my mom won't let me in. Whenever I try talking to my dad, he lapses into saying insulting things about her--taking my frustrations and using them as examples to justify his own lowly view of her, which I hate just as much as I hate her manipulations. It's as if the only two other people who witness this shit are too caught up in self-serving vitriol to realize the damage they're doing to us as a family.
It's worse every year, and I can see the effects of these horrible Julys manifest in the next 11 months. My everyday relationship with mom gets weaker, more dishonest and pathetic: I will tell her almost anything if it will keep her temporarily happy. I don't even recognize our old, HS, Gilmore Girls-like relationship anymore. I can barely talk for weeks afterward, and little things that remind me of an incident fill me with terror, like a purse or clothing I remember wearing the day it happened. I don't even wear those clothes anymore--they make me so nervous I threw out or burned most of them.
The older I get, the more I realize I'm too old to rely on other family members, much less adult strangers, to do anything for me, which is a logical and reasonable chain of events. I thought this summer, in NY, I'd be a little safer, and that getting away would be my means of safeguarding myself. I never wanted to feel that ice-cold knot of fear creep over me again or feel dizzy and faint as I realize I have dug myself in too deep and there is nothing I can do now but watch my humiliation and hope that it's over soon. that I'm still such an immature little shit, and that as much as my mom has problems I could be helping more. And that I never, ever seem to learn. I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow, or this weekend--I'm going to go to work and maybe try to take the afternoon off to go in the city and disappear for a few hours and think. I told my roommates not to let my mom in if she comes down, but I don't want to think about how embarassed I'll be if she came to work or my place so angry. Still, if she cools it a bit, I'll probs go up there to check on the cats and actually do the things I'm responsible for this weekend. I just...I know that she keeps trying to manipulate me with these problems and disasters. I hardly know when something is an urgent responsibility she has to depend on me for, and when she just wants me to do something for her or buy her something. When she comes back up from this anger, the amount of relief--not happiness--that I feel makes me almost sick at myself, knowing that I used to be so much stronger. Many summers later, I've been worn down to a simpering mush, trying to do anything just to please people.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Glamping in Jersey
Achingly returned to the hood this evening after a lovely but too-short weekend camping at Allaire State Park with Chris. I'm super tired because I woke up at 6:30 2 days in a row (I know, yes, compared to what you guys are used to this is hardly suffering. But whatever).
I haven't been camping in years and it was always with family, so lots of stress and eating Twinkies in a corner wondering why there were no streetlights on to read by. This, however, was sublime. I was initially worried about going on a road trip to be outdoorsy because if there are ever situations where I can start a fight with someone, they usually involve being responsible for directions and doing useful shit in nature.
Instead! I got the directions messed up only once and started a campfire faster than my eagle-scout boyfriend. We went to a flea market and bought vintage bone china for $2, a pair of teacups and matching plates.
But wait! It gets better.
WE GOT WAWA SANDWICHES FOR LUNCH.
Again, all of you probably know this already, but on Sat. I truly discovered the glory and godliness of Wawa food. It is so efficient and delicious; I was floored. And it was only the beginning of the culinary delights which NJ had in store.
We stopped at a Shop Rite for extra food soon thereafter. I also baked up a storm of lime shortbread cookies and granola, while he made the hot dogs and crab cakes (it's called glamping for a reason). Instead of dried fruit pieces I threw in white chocolate, pineapple Jelly Bellys, and gummi penguins, which look the same but taste so much better.
So as evening settled in around us, we set up our tent, cuddled for awhile as soon as that was done, then made dinner. Sat around the fire in our camp chairs, eating this beautiful meal, drinking good wine and Perrier out of the teacups, and watching families and hippies in the neighboring sites while making judgmental comments. We also discussed Aztec history, high school, and free trade (globalization could be much better if it weren't horribly maligned by free-trade-driven politicians).
It was wonderful. For a solid 18 hours or so, I didn't feel remotely anxious or sad. I had great sex with a guy who wants to make me happy. Even when the second half of my Wawa sandwich got soaked in the cooler and I couldn't savor it I still felt good.
The next morning when we woke up we went for breakfast at the Huck Finn Diner in Union (great name!) and talked about American history as we packed away bacon and French toast and coffee. Actually for some reason when I'm with Chris I can't seem to eat as much as I usually do so I didn't eat all my toast. I can't tell if this bad or good yet. I mean, I'm still plowing through a lot.
THEN!!!! He asked if I wanted to go for a swim at his house and then go hiking. Naturally, this was one of those days when you are so glad you decide to wear your Lilly Pulitzer sundress and nice J.Crew swimsuit, because AHA I MET HIS PARENTS AND HIS SIBLINGS. They seem really nice, especially his dad, who's very talkative and Chris seems to take after him mostly. His parents are also just this generally nice, high-functioning couple who cook together and all of their kids have nerdy but unusual talents and everyone has a crucifix in their room whether they like it or not. We talked about the best way to keep squirrels away from the tomatoes (I suggested chicken wire and netting; Chris advocated shooting them and making coonskin caps). Mostly I was just shy and polite and I feel like I made a good first impression, I think. They seemed to genuinely like the shortbread, or maybe after you have kids you're just good at complimenting decent efforts.We made some sandwiches and milk and watched Rushmore alone in the basement except for the odd brother running downstairs "for something," went hiking in the arboreteum, and read aloud from the Official Preppy Handbook. His neighborhood is beautiful and much nicer than the nicest parts of Hartford County--no uppity McMansions anywhere, just graceful 1920s-era Tudors/split-frame and stucco houses and stone gutters. Once I saw it I kind of understood why he likes it so much--and despite my first love of urbanity, Short Hills was pretty stellar.
Chris told me he loved me before he brought me to the train station (an absolutely fantastic transit system incidentally, so clean/quiet/everything). I said I loved him too, and I had this strange rushing sensation in my chest and my head that I think proved that I really, truly felt it.
We talked a lot about doing things in the months ahead; in the short-term, I'm coming down again next weekend for dinner. I just hope it's going to work and I can keep pushing aside my cynicism and just enjoy this day by day.
OK, must go to bed, getting weirder by the minute.
I haven't been camping in years and it was always with family, so lots of stress and eating Twinkies in a corner wondering why there were no streetlights on to read by. This, however, was sublime. I was initially worried about going on a road trip to be outdoorsy because if there are ever situations where I can start a fight with someone, they usually involve being responsible for directions and doing useful shit in nature.
Instead! I got the directions messed up only once and started a campfire faster than my eagle-scout boyfriend. We went to a flea market and bought vintage bone china for $2, a pair of teacups and matching plates.
But wait! It gets better.
WE GOT WAWA SANDWICHES FOR LUNCH.
Again, all of you probably know this already, but on Sat. I truly discovered the glory and godliness of Wawa food. It is so efficient and delicious; I was floored. And it was only the beginning of the culinary delights which NJ had in store.
We stopped at a Shop Rite for extra food soon thereafter. I also baked up a storm of lime shortbread cookies and granola, while he made the hot dogs and crab cakes (it's called glamping for a reason). Instead of dried fruit pieces I threw in white chocolate, pineapple Jelly Bellys, and gummi penguins, which look the same but taste so much better.
So as evening settled in around us, we set up our tent, cuddled for awhile as soon as that was done, then made dinner. Sat around the fire in our camp chairs, eating this beautiful meal, drinking good wine and Perrier out of the teacups, and watching families and hippies in the neighboring sites while making judgmental comments. We also discussed Aztec history, high school, and free trade (globalization could be much better if it weren't horribly maligned by free-trade-driven politicians).
It was wonderful. For a solid 18 hours or so, I didn't feel remotely anxious or sad. I had great sex with a guy who wants to make me happy. Even when the second half of my Wawa sandwich got soaked in the cooler and I couldn't savor it I still felt good.
The next morning when we woke up we went for breakfast at the Huck Finn Diner in Union (great name!) and talked about American history as we packed away bacon and French toast and coffee. Actually for some reason when I'm with Chris I can't seem to eat as much as I usually do so I didn't eat all my toast. I can't tell if this bad or good yet. I mean, I'm still plowing through a lot.
THEN!!!! He asked if I wanted to go for a swim at his house and then go hiking. Naturally, this was one of those days when you are so glad you decide to wear your Lilly Pulitzer sundress and nice J.Crew swimsuit, because AHA I MET HIS PARENTS AND HIS SIBLINGS. They seem really nice, especially his dad, who's very talkative and Chris seems to take after him mostly. His parents are also just this generally nice, high-functioning couple who cook together and all of their kids have nerdy but unusual talents and everyone has a crucifix in their room whether they like it or not. We talked about the best way to keep squirrels away from the tomatoes (I suggested chicken wire and netting; Chris advocated shooting them and making coonskin caps). Mostly I was just shy and polite and I feel like I made a good first impression, I think. They seemed to genuinely like the shortbread, or maybe after you have kids you're just good at complimenting decent efforts.We made some sandwiches and milk and watched Rushmore alone in the basement except for the odd brother running downstairs "for something," went hiking in the arboreteum, and read aloud from the Official Preppy Handbook. His neighborhood is beautiful and much nicer than the nicest parts of Hartford County--no uppity McMansions anywhere, just graceful 1920s-era Tudors/split-frame and stucco houses and stone gutters. Once I saw it I kind of understood why he likes it so much--and despite my first love of urbanity, Short Hills was pretty stellar.
Chris told me he loved me before he brought me to the train station (an absolutely fantastic transit system incidentally, so clean/quiet/everything). I said I loved him too, and I had this strange rushing sensation in my chest and my head that I think proved that I really, truly felt it.
We talked a lot about doing things in the months ahead; in the short-term, I'm coming down again next weekend for dinner. I just hope it's going to work and I can keep pushing aside my cynicism and just enjoy this day by day.
OK, must go to bed, getting weirder by the minute.
Monday, July 16, 2012
I Am Me
First and foremost, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUMK4Da9Avg
After watching the video, enjoy this less important summary.
So I am currently typing in the University of Western Cape library. It's cute but the whole library makes a horrible noise (like a bad air-conditioner). The campus is very nice, much bigger than Fordahm (well I think but I thought Fordham was big at first). The people are very nice here, they are kind of like southerners (they move slow and love to talk and be helpful, some lady in my class actually walked me to another building today).
So it has been a week since I moved into Kimberley 2. There are 16 girls and 2 boys. I live out back with Jason (an ex-Abercrombie model who was homeschooled his whole life and loves Jesus. He wants to work in Honduras with an orphanage. He's beautiful. I am dealing with this lol) The girls are great, there is a fellow Bronxite that I call Ta Ta and a girl named Shannon who I really like. Everybody in the house went out Friday and Saturday to Long Street (which is where a lot of the bars and clubs are in Cape Town) I danced on a stripper pole on Saturday night ;). We are all going to the gay clubs next weekend (I am trying to find me a SA coloured boyfriend). I came out to the group (in the case that they couldn't tell) when we were playing never have I ever. The question was "Never have I ever stuck my fingers up a guy's butt". We have a live-in south African RA from Johannesburg. I like here alot, she is very kind and she's very honest about the problems of her country.There is a girl named Sophie who was here for the first three days and we really connected. On the third day she had to go home because she found out that she has throat cancer and has to go home and get surgery. So that was kind of cra cra emotional but she's very positive and strong and she thinks she will be back in early August.
My service site starts next week, I am very excited to be teaching/working! But I have really been working on being in the moment and enjoying things and not worrying and trying to not feel pressure to be doing something (it's been going pretty well but #itsaprocess)
Thoughts on South Africa: I don't want to jump to any assumptions or saw anything unfounded lol but seriously the people are very nice but the apartheid has very much affected this place and its people.
Thoughts on US: The Native Americans have been upsetting me. It seems that we as a country have forgotten/forgiven/don't care that much/over it/accept what was done to the Native Americans. Our country is the way it is because we killed/moved/erased a people. And that truth is not truthfully displayed/remembered/apologized for in the American story/history or the mindset/consciousness of it's people.
Omg i am hungry. Speaking of food, I tried Ostrich (it was actually really good, we may need to get Ostrich burgers in the city next semester)
I miss you guys.
So what's going on?
P.S. Internet sucks here but skype phone/google phone my cell 0823118582 (i can't really call you on it because it is super expensive) But it would be free for you guys to call me on an internet phone.
Loves you!
After watching the video, enjoy this less important summary.
So I am currently typing in the University of Western Cape library. It's cute but the whole library makes a horrible noise (like a bad air-conditioner). The campus is very nice, much bigger than Fordahm (well I think but I thought Fordham was big at first). The people are very nice here, they are kind of like southerners (they move slow and love to talk and be helpful, some lady in my class actually walked me to another building today).
So it has been a week since I moved into Kimberley 2. There are 16 girls and 2 boys. I live out back with Jason (an ex-Abercrombie model who was homeschooled his whole life and loves Jesus. He wants to work in Honduras with an orphanage. He's beautiful. I am dealing with this lol) The girls are great, there is a fellow Bronxite that I call Ta Ta and a girl named Shannon who I really like. Everybody in the house went out Friday and Saturday to Long Street (which is where a lot of the bars and clubs are in Cape Town) I danced on a stripper pole on Saturday night ;). We are all going to the gay clubs next weekend (I am trying to find me a SA coloured boyfriend). I came out to the group (in the case that they couldn't tell) when we were playing never have I ever. The question was "Never have I ever stuck my fingers up a guy's butt". We have a live-in south African RA from Johannesburg. I like here alot, she is very kind and she's very honest about the problems of her country.There is a girl named Sophie who was here for the first three days and we really connected. On the third day she had to go home because she found out that she has throat cancer and has to go home and get surgery. So that was kind of cra cra emotional but she's very positive and strong and she thinks she will be back in early August.
My service site starts next week, I am very excited to be teaching/working! But I have really been working on being in the moment and enjoying things and not worrying and trying to not feel pressure to be doing something (it's been going pretty well but #itsaprocess)
Thoughts on South Africa: I don't want to jump to any assumptions or saw anything unfounded lol but seriously the people are very nice but the apartheid has very much affected this place and its people.
Thoughts on US: The Native Americans have been upsetting me. It seems that we as a country have forgotten/forgiven/don't care that much/over it/accept what was done to the Native Americans. Our country is the way it is because we killed/moved/erased a people. And that truth is not truthfully displayed/remembered/apologized for in the American story/history or the mindset/consciousness of it's people.
Omg i am hungry. Speaking of food, I tried Ostrich (it was actually really good, we may need to get Ostrich burgers in the city next semester)
I miss you guys.
So what's going on?
P.S. Internet sucks here but skype phone/google phone my cell 0823118582 (i can't really call you on it because it is super expensive) But it would be free for you guys to call me on an internet phone.
Loves you!
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