Concerning my title, if interested, we can have a long talk about the importance of a moderate viewpoint and if moderation is a fantasy?
So tonight, I was in the kitchen (brief recap: two nights ago I found out my roommate from Cape Town was gay) and a powerful realization/emotion him, I felt for him, what is must feel like to be confused and unsure how to be when ur family and the religion of ur family and ur religion discludes your sexuality. And then I felt weird because I felt seperate from him and his struggle, that is not my struggle, I forgot what that feels like or if i even ever felt that (in my case religion should be replaced with Parent's beliefs). Then I thought about how I concentrate on African-American struggles and identify with that, and how there is no gay struggle or if there is it's not a shared experience or one that i am not privy too.
Jason, my roommate talked to me one of the first nights, it was late night drunk talk and he was talking about his feelings on relationships and he kept on saying whether it be with a male or female, and I thought he was being political correct lol (feministing around, also might have been his way of telling me he was confused) and then throughout the semester I was upset by him because I felt he was lying. And one night on the mid-semester trip I had a conversation with him about his sexuality (not about him being gay but it seemed to me that he was suppressing his sexuality, i thought he needed to not be so repressed, but it never crossed my mind that he was gay lol). and then on one of the last nights before we left we went to the monument and I felt moved by something to tell him that i felt he seemed that he was on a different boat from everyone (that he seemed disconnected and prohibited himself from human connection).
1. These are classic signs of someone being gay, but it's like I erased that possibility from my mind. Why did I do this? I kept on saying when people said he was gay, I said I would know, I still feel that he is not gay, the feeling isn't or still isn't there for me (but then I realized I also told him at the mid-point in the semester that I never met anyone who was so confident in their gender) Maybe I don't understand his gayness or didn't want to see it because I feel that my own gayness is intertwined so much with my gender (being gay includes my "gay" gender roles), but I say Jason as the guy who was straight but had every gay characteristic. I mean he would go to gay bars and put on a tank top but i thought he did that because he was fucked up and thrived off the attention.
2. I feel super disconnected with gay men, i lost my one gay best friend and the other ones at fordham I sexualized them and did not make friends with them.
3. In South Africa though I got empowered about the seperateness of my gender from my sexuality and the fact that I am not defined by my gayness.
4. But being back home, I feel that I am back where I started with my sexuality stuff.
5. But writing all this down reminds me of what I have learned, I move forward. In summary, I feel for Jason (I think I understand what that feel like), and now i get why i wanted him to be straight (it reminded me that life isn't study abroad growth, but what I learned about myself is true, that i am not defined by my gayness, but that I am human... that is actually how my monolouge for this theater thing i did, i will tell you about that).
Love,
Stuart
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
Into the veld
Yesterday my mood ring was a filthy pukish greeny brown color. I was wallowing in self-pity and alienation.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning feeling relatively energized but damn that jet leg. I finally had my realization about what I learned in South Africa. All semester I was trying to figure out what had changed or was changing about me. I did sense I was less anxious and slightly more confident but that is slightly boring and not that dramatic to say to people.
Let's break it down.
1. Junior year of high school until let's say Fresh Air Fund (post-Freshman year of college) I was going through a rough phase (super stuck, negative, depressed, anxious, acne, pooping issues)
2. After fresh air fund, breaking up with my high school friends and Chuck, I lost some anxiety and was better able to deal with some shit. Throughout sophomore year really started working on not being anxious, being more confident, and trying to do me and have fun.
3. South Africa, I finally had that care-free college experience that I was not capable of having Freshman year, it was fun. By care-free I mean not fear based and I was doing what I wanted to do more of the time and not giving such a fuck.
4. I feel renewed, I feel like my world is new. The newness is not like the newness of something I haven't seen before, the excitement of change, it's the newness of I haven't felt this way before or in a long time, I feel like I have entered a new phase.
I love you. Thanks for being my right-hand bitches through err thing,
Stuart
I woke up at 3:30 this morning feeling relatively energized but damn that jet leg. I finally had my realization about what I learned in South Africa. All semester I was trying to figure out what had changed or was changing about me. I did sense I was less anxious and slightly more confident but that is slightly boring and not that dramatic to say to people.
Let's break it down.
1. Junior year of high school until let's say Fresh Air Fund (post-Freshman year of college) I was going through a rough phase (super stuck, negative, depressed, anxious, acne, pooping issues)
2. After fresh air fund, breaking up with my high school friends and Chuck, I lost some anxiety and was better able to deal with some shit. Throughout sophomore year really started working on not being anxious, being more confident, and trying to do me and have fun.
3. South Africa, I finally had that care-free college experience that I was not capable of having Freshman year, it was fun. By care-free I mean not fear based and I was doing what I wanted to do more of the time and not giving such a fuck.
4. I feel renewed, I feel like my world is new. The newness is not like the newness of something I haven't seen before, the excitement of change, it's the newness of I haven't felt this way before or in a long time, I feel like I have entered a new phase.
I love you. Thanks for being my right-hand bitches through err thing,
Stuart
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
There is this German boy...
1. I can't stop listening to Kesha's "Die Young"
2. I have had most of Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday off (kids are off of school, no service!). I have done very little work, but I have been out and about. Two favorite things from my long weekend. 1. Climbed a mountain to watch the sunset and full moon, we were above the clouds, it was beautiful. A part of it, is that you have to get drunk. SO we got drunk and then hiked down the mountain in the dark, tons of fun, did a nature pee. Then I went to the National Gallery today and there was this really cool exhibit, that showed the artwork from Community Art Project, which provided a space and support for blacks and coloureds to produce art, much of it anti-apartheid (in the community I live in, isn't that weird?). My English professor was one of the people who were thanked on the chat card. She is this woman from India, who studied in Cambridge, we like here, she is so very sassy and crazy, she laughs at her own jokes about the English Language. She also makes us stand in a circle why she shows us pictures from books. She also likes to give me bad grades.
3. Stop hooking up with Duran, we were making out on the rugby field again last week, and i Realized I was just not into it and I was not going to be into it (i need a top who can fuck me hard, okay!, and I want to be passionate and I just don't feel passionately toward him) So I sat him down and we talked, I felt a little guilty, but you know what, yolo. One thing I have grown to learn, is that honesty is the way of respect and being nice, not being nice to people at the expense of the truth.
4. My colon health is great. I eat so well here, meaning I eat what I want and as much as I want. I still cant really drink alcohol that well, I get a tummy ache :(
5. I fucking hate my service site. I love going but I hate it. It's chaos, I felt tired, bored, useless, and upset. Last week, they brought the kids to the computer lab which is under lock and the kids haven't gone for two years and they were like show them what to do Stuart. And the server was down, so we had to sit in there for like two hours, with all the kids trying to get on the computers the whole time! Ahh it was such a mess. Its so bad!!! And then I feel guilty because the girl I work with is trying to change the damn world and getting backpacks from the states for the kids and setting up relationships for donations from schools in the Chicago suburbs, and I just don't know what to do! Hot mess, but I like the kids and I like my teachers, I just get exhausted, it's chaos there and it's hard to handle, and I don't really have a job but to hang out. And I just don't know how to view myself there or view what I am doing, and it's just a mess and a half.
6. I am wearing a baseball cap with the "PGA tour" logo on it.
Peace,
Stuart
It's October!
Guten tag,
How is everyone? It's another bleary-eyed Monday heere at Fordham. Today I had an econ quiz, which was exhausting, and another thingy due for film class. Also my other professor just emailed and said our midterm got moved up to this Friday. So on top of 2 presentations and 2 papers left to do and writing for a bunch of class blogs, midterm season is off with a bang. In my head. I think by Friday afternoon I'm going to resemble a rubber Gumby doll or a broken Slinky or some other antiquated toy that can be easily overstretched. That is, a Gumby doll lying on the floor, nursing a pumpkin beer followed by a container of margaritas in a jar. (Sarah's been alcohol shopping at University Grocery lately, which has brought mostly unclassy results. The margarita bottle is labeled "malt liquor product." Oy).
However I did have a nice weekend in Jersey. There was abundant apple-picking and eating and canoodling, and the sex has improved as of late. Plus it was a thrill to see some changing leaves and other cheesy autumnal things that I love. OH AND I WENT TO CRACKER BARREL FOR THE FIRST TIME AND IT WAS DELICIOUS. Right now I can't think of anything significant to feel anxious about in the Chrisabel department, so I'll report back next week with something, I am sure. We're planning a Christmas party at his house (I think I told you guys about this anyway). I have no idea what people eat at real Christmas dinners besides my birthday cake. I like the idea that, years later, he's the one with the Let's Have A Fancy-Dress Christmas Party idea instead of me.
Hm, hm. What else have I done besides sleeping and boozing? School is shaping up to be difficult and stressful as ever. I made it through seven solid hours of sleep last night and woke up early for my 8:30, but being me I fucked it all up again by passing out for three hours after dinner this evening and forgetting to call my mom.
I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge from downtown and up to Union Square in 45 minutes after my lady-doctor appointment last Friday, so at least I haven't slowed my urban hiking pace. If I'm not dead on Friday I want to do some more Brooklynsploring. Also there was this severely schizophrenic dude from the Bronx on the 4 that day who was threatening to stab everyone on the train, then changed his mind and decided anyone who got off at the same stop as him was gonna get slashed. I took my headphones off for a minute and realized everyone in car seemed to be kind of tensed up, since we weren't anywhere near one of the conductors or anything. When he finally left (I thought the stop would never come) not a person moved. It was the first time I've ever been nervous on the subway. Mostly because schizophrenics are the one type of subway cray that actually act on their stupid shit. I think I might not be able to stand living in NY after college. And by that I mean I would consider living in Hoboken.
Also my roommates have been irritating me lately, but it's basically about stupid things that would seem ridiculous to call them out on. They chew loudly and laugh and they talk. I wouldn't notice, probably, but I'm tired as shit and they're in the way of my sitting silently in bed, brooding. I really want my single back. I like having occasional funny conversation, but I have no idea how or why girls outline their entire decision making process aloud (I know, I do it too XD) or need to ask for other people's approval about their outfits or when they should go to dinner. I'm that person in this room who just leaves without telling anyone where they're going and whom, most of the time, the other two don't know is actually there until they slam the bathroom door or something. In essence, I'm just going to spend more time in the library rather than worry about my nebbishy refusal to talk to perfectly nice people.
okay, I've been rambling for an hour. Must go werk. Or something.
Love you all,
Isabel
How is everyone? It's another bleary-eyed Monday heere at Fordham. Today I had an econ quiz, which was exhausting, and another thingy due for film class. Also my other professor just emailed and said our midterm got moved up to this Friday. So on top of 2 presentations and 2 papers left to do and writing for a bunch of class blogs, midterm season is off with a bang. In my head. I think by Friday afternoon I'm going to resemble a rubber Gumby doll or a broken Slinky or some other antiquated toy that can be easily overstretched. That is, a Gumby doll lying on the floor, nursing a pumpkin beer followed by a container of margaritas in a jar. (Sarah's been alcohol shopping at University Grocery lately, which has brought mostly unclassy results. The margarita bottle is labeled "malt liquor product." Oy).
However I did have a nice weekend in Jersey. There was abundant apple-picking and eating and canoodling, and the sex has improved as of late. Plus it was a thrill to see some changing leaves and other cheesy autumnal things that I love. OH AND I WENT TO CRACKER BARREL FOR THE FIRST TIME AND IT WAS DELICIOUS. Right now I can't think of anything significant to feel anxious about in the Chrisabel department, so I'll report back next week with something, I am sure. We're planning a Christmas party at his house (I think I told you guys about this anyway). I have no idea what people eat at real Christmas dinners besides my birthday cake. I like the idea that, years later, he's the one with the Let's Have A Fancy-Dress Christmas Party idea instead of me.
Hm, hm. What else have I done besides sleeping and boozing? School is shaping up to be difficult and stressful as ever. I made it through seven solid hours of sleep last night and woke up early for my 8:30, but being me I fucked it all up again by passing out for three hours after dinner this evening and forgetting to call my mom.
I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge from downtown and up to Union Square in 45 minutes after my lady-doctor appointment last Friday, so at least I haven't slowed my urban hiking pace. If I'm not dead on Friday I want to do some more Brooklynsploring. Also there was this severely schizophrenic dude from the Bronx on the 4 that day who was threatening to stab everyone on the train, then changed his mind and decided anyone who got off at the same stop as him was gonna get slashed. I took my headphones off for a minute and realized everyone in car seemed to be kind of tensed up, since we weren't anywhere near one of the conductors or anything. When he finally left (I thought the stop would never come) not a person moved. It was the first time I've ever been nervous on the subway. Mostly because schizophrenics are the one type of subway cray that actually act on their stupid shit. I think I might not be able to stand living in NY after college. And by that I mean I would consider living in Hoboken.
Also my roommates have been irritating me lately, but it's basically about stupid things that would seem ridiculous to call them out on. They chew loudly and laugh and they talk. I wouldn't notice, probably, but I'm tired as shit and they're in the way of my sitting silently in bed, brooding. I really want my single back. I like having occasional funny conversation, but I have no idea how or why girls outline their entire decision making process aloud (I know, I do it too XD) or need to ask for other people's approval about their outfits or when they should go to dinner. I'm that person in this room who just leaves without telling anyone where they're going and whom, most of the time, the other two don't know is actually there until they slam the bathroom door or something. In essence, I'm just going to spend more time in the library rather than worry about my nebbishy refusal to talk to perfectly nice people.
okay, I've been rambling for an hour. Must go werk. Or something.
Love you all,
Isabel
Friday, September 21, 2012
WHY THE HELL am I awake
Hola blog,
I'm sorry to be such an absentee parent. However, I've been awake for 38 hours straight and my brain WILL NOT SHUT OFF. Tonight is the eve of my mother visiting, however, and I've a ton of shit to before my 11:30, and classical music just isn't rocking me to sleep. So here we are. Cue the timpani drumroll.
I went to Molly's to pick up some stuff I forgot and ended up talking to her for 2 hours tonight about being maladjusted, which was nice. We talked really loudly and she didn't laugh at any of my stupid jokes, more power to her. Except Molly is rather intimidatingly well-adjusted and is already doing psych research, whereas I'm quite proud I didn't spend all day in my ill-fitting leggings, participated repeatedly in every class, and ate something besides creme-filled cookies today. Apparently if I want to get any research done with a Fordham grant I have to apply by next week and I have no idea how to go about this, I have a vague idea about the Mexican government's corruption and Latin American inflation and all my professors are either retired/on sabbatical/have known them for three weeks and I have no idea how to draft some abstract shit, or even worse make a lasting connection with a random professor, by October 1st. Lots of frantic, unprepared emails to Dean Gould. I can't believe I actually have to think about the summer right now.
I forgot to call my dad yesterday for his birthday. Fuck, I need to find a time to do that tomorrow. As if I needed a reason to hide in a bathroom while my mom visits.
What else? My roommates have been good so far; I'm glad I have the loft, though, so I have the right balance of being a socially awkward loner and having someone to talk to at the end of the day. But they're currently the only friends I have, and while they're funny and we get along well, I miss you guys like an Overly Attached Polyamorous Girlfriend. Also my loft adjoins these obnoxious sporty girls who ruined my almost-nap with their grunting and country music. I hate athletes. Do any of your schools have them? Also why must it take them five minutes each to figure out how to swipe into the caf?
At some point in the next ten years I will get my shit together, but in the meantime I'd better go in for Round 2 of sleeping. Thanks, blog, for letting me get my insomniac worries and furies off my chest, I promise I'll be more cheerful/insightful/coherent in my next post.
Toodaloo, as my new bro-friend Mike says (to all of his bros, who of course are also named Mike)
I'm gonna go eat the chocolate bar I left within arm's reach
I'm sorry to be such an absentee parent. However, I've been awake for 38 hours straight and my brain WILL NOT SHUT OFF. Tonight is the eve of my mother visiting, however, and I've a ton of shit to before my 11:30, and classical music just isn't rocking me to sleep. So here we are. Cue the timpani drumroll.
I went to Molly's to pick up some stuff I forgot and ended up talking to her for 2 hours tonight about being maladjusted, which was nice. We talked really loudly and she didn't laugh at any of my stupid jokes, more power to her. Except Molly is rather intimidatingly well-adjusted and is already doing psych research, whereas I'm quite proud I didn't spend all day in my ill-fitting leggings, participated repeatedly in every class, and ate something besides creme-filled cookies today. Apparently if I want to get any research done with a Fordham grant I have to apply by next week and I have no idea how to go about this, I have a vague idea about the Mexican government's corruption and Latin American inflation and all my professors are either retired/on sabbatical/have known them for three weeks and I have no idea how to draft some abstract shit, or even worse make a lasting connection with a random professor, by October 1st. Lots of frantic, unprepared emails to Dean Gould. I can't believe I actually have to think about the summer right now.
I forgot to call my dad yesterday for his birthday. Fuck, I need to find a time to do that tomorrow. As if I needed a reason to hide in a bathroom while my mom visits.
What else? My roommates have been good so far; I'm glad I have the loft, though, so I have the right balance of being a socially awkward loner and having someone to talk to at the end of the day. But they're currently the only friends I have, and while they're funny and we get along well, I miss you guys like an Overly Attached Polyamorous Girlfriend. Also my loft adjoins these obnoxious sporty girls who ruined my almost-nap with their grunting and country music. I hate athletes. Do any of your schools have them? Also why must it take them five minutes each to figure out how to swipe into the caf?
At some point in the next ten years I will get my shit together, but in the meantime I'd better go in for Round 2 of sleeping. Thanks, blog, for letting me get my insomniac worries and furies off my chest, I promise I'll be more cheerful/insightful/coherent in my next post.
Toodaloo, as my new bro-friend Mike says (to all of his bros, who of course are also named Mike)
I'm gonna go eat the chocolate bar I left within arm's reach
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Hot African Mess
I tried to leave Justine a fucking comment like 5 times but the internet/blog spot kept fucking up. and then when i finally did send it, it had a spelling error.
WAHHHHH!!!!! I am in crying in somebody's bed, not eating my meal in the caf mood. But i am also super happy and ecstatic. Too many feelings!
I have so much to fucking write and it's 11 pm and I have been trying to write this stuff for the past three days and I have been failing at it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHH AHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHH
Okay here goes
Mid-semester trip: Went on trip around South Africa, ended up in Kruger National Park (something you guys have to do!). Saw a mother and father wild dog regurgitate their food and feed their pups, also saw an adorable tortoise crossing the road. But on this trip I had several firsts: Bungee Jumped, Went Skinny dipping in the iNdian ocean, and got high. I also masturbated in like 3 provinces of South Africa. The other highlight of the trip were the malls, people in South Africa be looking and acting all sorts of up. In Soweto (which is like the home of black consciousness and is the first black neighborhood I have ever seen who citizens are empowered and financially independent from whites), there was a mall and it was all black people but it was like the white malls at home, it made me think how stupid racism is (i am trying to figure out what that means, but i think it just means, like racism can be so easily disproved but the economic conditions prevent it from being disproved in the states).
Another highlight was just sitting in the bus and looking at the landscape (especially the rural communities in the Eastern Cape). South Africa, unlike the states, does not do the whole billboard thing and exits with fast food every 2 miles. I actually think one of the most beautiful things about South Africa is how easy the natural and built world blend with each other. The industry and modern stuff does not take away from the beauty but kind of enhances it.
By far my favorite moment was in Kruger. We had been in the car for hours, you can't get out of the car because the animals are just living and not in cages. We drove up to this monument that was on a rockish mountain/hill thing and me and this girl Sam hiked away from everybody else and sat on a rock. Below us lay the savanna and soon we couldn't hear anybody else and we could only hear the nature and it was so quiet and the savanna was so beautiful, i think it was one of the most beautiful landscapes I have ever seen. And it just makes the sky look so blue and the clouds to look like there is a heaven. I was thinking up there, this is where I want to get engaged. Surprisingly, i also experienced that quiet when I was bungee jumping (off the worlds highest bridge bungee nbd) after i jumped and i was hanging there waiting for the guy to come and get me. It was the most intense quiet, i felt super at peace (in a hippie voice, pass the bong).
We were at the airport for 7 hours and me, Shatevia, Shannon, and Jason (stalk them in my pics) sat around and talked about each other's best and worst qualities and I just felt true community for the first time on the trip. It was such a high!
Also very few colon troubles during trip but damn did I have some horrible gas!
I am still riding the high from the trip but a few feelings.
1. Went back to service today, and it was chaos, and I just gave up. It's so frustrating and I have no idea what I am doing there and I hate feeling like I am not doing anything and am a failure who is not going to amount to anything. But tonight, we had our weekly meeting and the program director talked about dealing with chaos and now I feel renewed and ready to go back.
2. Also at our meeting tonight a lot of people in my house were complaining about the trip and the tour guide especially. And they were being very insensitive and rude. And I just got up and walked out and when I came back I saw Caroline (fb stalk) crying about the meeting, so I go my backbone on and said my say and I am proud of myself for saying what I said but then i regressed to a ten year old and was awkward and self-conscious. But I cried in my bed for a bit, so I am feeling better.
3. A BOY! Duran, also fb stalk. Long story short, we met at sign language, we hung out as friends, texted him how was his break and he texted back among other things, "I missed you". We are hanging out tomm, I am thinking a SA fling or something more! He seems like a good guy! Funny thing though, when i met him, he came off as gender ambiguous, i couldn't figure out what he was at first. It was a dark car and I was sitting on his lap. (P.S. texting on a pre-paid phone is so much more exciting that a contract phone)
I miss you guys so much!
Love you all!
Justine great work on ur entries!
Isabel and RAE (you have really been slacking) get on it!
WAHHHHH!!!!! I am in crying in somebody's bed, not eating my meal in the caf mood. But i am also super happy and ecstatic. Too many feelings!
I have so much to fucking write and it's 11 pm and I have been trying to write this stuff for the past three days and I have been failing at it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHH AHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHH
Okay here goes
Mid-semester trip: Went on trip around South Africa, ended up in Kruger National Park (something you guys have to do!). Saw a mother and father wild dog regurgitate their food and feed their pups, also saw an adorable tortoise crossing the road. But on this trip I had several firsts: Bungee Jumped, Went Skinny dipping in the iNdian ocean, and got high. I also masturbated in like 3 provinces of South Africa. The other highlight of the trip were the malls, people in South Africa be looking and acting all sorts of up. In Soweto (which is like the home of black consciousness and is the first black neighborhood I have ever seen who citizens are empowered and financially independent from whites), there was a mall and it was all black people but it was like the white malls at home, it made me think how stupid racism is (i am trying to figure out what that means, but i think it just means, like racism can be so easily disproved but the economic conditions prevent it from being disproved in the states).
Another highlight was just sitting in the bus and looking at the landscape (especially the rural communities in the Eastern Cape). South Africa, unlike the states, does not do the whole billboard thing and exits with fast food every 2 miles. I actually think one of the most beautiful things about South Africa is how easy the natural and built world blend with each other. The industry and modern stuff does not take away from the beauty but kind of enhances it.
By far my favorite moment was in Kruger. We had been in the car for hours, you can't get out of the car because the animals are just living and not in cages. We drove up to this monument that was on a rockish mountain/hill thing and me and this girl Sam hiked away from everybody else and sat on a rock. Below us lay the savanna and soon we couldn't hear anybody else and we could only hear the nature and it was so quiet and the savanna was so beautiful, i think it was one of the most beautiful landscapes I have ever seen. And it just makes the sky look so blue and the clouds to look like there is a heaven. I was thinking up there, this is where I want to get engaged. Surprisingly, i also experienced that quiet when I was bungee jumping (off the worlds highest bridge bungee nbd) after i jumped and i was hanging there waiting for the guy to come and get me. It was the most intense quiet, i felt super at peace (in a hippie voice, pass the bong).
We were at the airport for 7 hours and me, Shatevia, Shannon, and Jason (stalk them in my pics) sat around and talked about each other's best and worst qualities and I just felt true community for the first time on the trip. It was such a high!
Also very few colon troubles during trip but damn did I have some horrible gas!
I am still riding the high from the trip but a few feelings.
1. Went back to service today, and it was chaos, and I just gave up. It's so frustrating and I have no idea what I am doing there and I hate feeling like I am not doing anything and am a failure who is not going to amount to anything. But tonight, we had our weekly meeting and the program director talked about dealing with chaos and now I feel renewed and ready to go back.
2. Also at our meeting tonight a lot of people in my house were complaining about the trip and the tour guide especially. And they were being very insensitive and rude. And I just got up and walked out and when I came back I saw Caroline (fb stalk) crying about the meeting, so I go my backbone on and said my say and I am proud of myself for saying what I said but then i regressed to a ten year old and was awkward and self-conscious. But I cried in my bed for a bit, so I am feeling better.
3. A BOY! Duran, also fb stalk. Long story short, we met at sign language, we hung out as friends, texted him how was his break and he texted back among other things, "I missed you". We are hanging out tomm, I am thinking a SA fling or something more! He seems like a good guy! Funny thing though, when i met him, he came off as gender ambiguous, i couldn't figure out what he was at first. It was a dark car and I was sitting on his lap. (P.S. texting on a pre-paid phone is so much more exciting that a contract phone)
I miss you guys so much!
Love you all!
Justine great work on ur entries!
Isabel and RAE (you have really been slacking) get on it!
Friday, August 10, 2012
Just trying to find meaning in the mountains
It's Friday and I am sitting in the library of UWC. I feel like a giant vacuum trying to suck up as much as I can (the much being South Africa).This is a good thing but I also feel slightly frantic/mad. I am hot pile of crazy.
In good news, Sophie (the girl who had to go home for surgery) came back today, I like her. All of us went to go pick her up the airport, it was cute. On one hand, I love the community I have with the people I live with but I also hate it. Like sometimes (feels like often, these past few days) I just want to be on my own, living with South Africans doing me own thing. But other times I am really grateful for everybody and I think it's good for me (learn to be in community, not be so agnsty) to be living with these people.
I love UWC. I made gay friends (lesbians and gayboys!) and I think one has a crush on me (we will see ;) i am going to ask him to hang out with me. We met at sign language class. Here, I have tried to go to as many clubs as possible. Why don't i do clubs at fordham? I took my term test for English and got a 55 percent (a d here). I talked to my tutor (professor in charge of my small group) She went to Cambridge and she had a lot of thoughts about my education thus far and how I can improve. She was helpful, all be it a little critical (but then again she's British).
Teaching is interesting. The days are super long (7 hours with no break!) But I do enjoy observing the classroom/school life and interacting with the teachers and kids. I feel like a total outsider though, but well I am. One of my favorite things to do is because I don't get a break, when the kids are screaming and the teacher is away, I step outside of the classroom. The classrooms face outside and everything is connected by outdoor walkways. My classroom is on the third floor. I go to the end of the outdoor hallway and look out at the township and look at the people living thier lives and the houses (they are so cool, they are houses with shack extensions attached usually and they are multicolored) and then the puppies waking around. Then I look at the mountains in the distance (I like that!).
Well that's all for now. How are you?
Love,
Stuart
P.S. Waiting for a boy to text me (Why Hasn't HE TExT ME?). Some things never change ;) well at least this one's straight
In good news, Sophie (the girl who had to go home for surgery) came back today, I like her. All of us went to go pick her up the airport, it was cute. On one hand, I love the community I have with the people I live with but I also hate it. Like sometimes (feels like often, these past few days) I just want to be on my own, living with South Africans doing me own thing. But other times I am really grateful for everybody and I think it's good for me (learn to be in community, not be so agnsty) to be living with these people.
I love UWC. I made gay friends (lesbians and gayboys!) and I think one has a crush on me (we will see ;) i am going to ask him to hang out with me. We met at sign language class. Here, I have tried to go to as many clubs as possible. Why don't i do clubs at fordham? I took my term test for English and got a 55 percent (a d here). I talked to my tutor (professor in charge of my small group) She went to Cambridge and she had a lot of thoughts about my education thus far and how I can improve. She was helpful, all be it a little critical (but then again she's British).
Teaching is interesting. The days are super long (7 hours with no break!) But I do enjoy observing the classroom/school life and interacting with the teachers and kids. I feel like a total outsider though, but well I am. One of my favorite things to do is because I don't get a break, when the kids are screaming and the teacher is away, I step outside of the classroom. The classrooms face outside and everything is connected by outdoor walkways. My classroom is on the third floor. I go to the end of the outdoor hallway and look out at the township and look at the people living thier lives and the houses (they are so cool, they are houses with shack extensions attached usually and they are multicolored) and then the puppies waking around. Then I look at the mountains in the distance (I like that!).
Well that's all for now. How are you?
Love,
Stuart
P.S. Waiting for a boy to text me (Why Hasn't HE TExT ME?). Some things never change ;) well at least this one's straight
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